Melancholia


Put down the drink, the smoke, the pill

the food, beleaguered credit card.

No longer mask the rage, the tears, the sorrow

sometimes life is hard.

Stop trying to dismiss what you must feel

to alchemize your struggles into gold.

You are not meant to flatline

let your heart learn how to warm the bitter cold.

You cannot become without the pain

that you allow to fiercely filter through.

Feel it, let it loose to roar and whisper,

as it changes every part of you.

Don’t apologize for being human

in your fear, your doubts, your deep dismay.

Refuse to silence any truth that finally

your soul would bid you say.

Do not suffocate the raw emotion,

the ferocity with which you fight.

If you restrain the fire that burns within you,

you will lose the world you would ignite.

 

 

 

 

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Love Affair


She knew that he loved

by the way his words flowed,

endlessly admiring;

the way he spent his time

on his beloved.

He could not be swayed

from his belief

that no one else could

ever be as worthy

of his time.

He was steadfast

in his conviction to focus

solely, and without

apology,

on the one he desired

more than all

others.

So finally,

with a quiet resignation,

she accepted

the incontrovertible

truth.

There was no place

for her

in his love affair with

himself.

 

Shame On Me


I was not a good enough wife. Or daughter, or mother or friend. I dropped the ball too many times and couldn’t live up to the ideal. I’ll fess up to that. I did try with mighty and heroic efforts but it was not to be done.

Shame on me.

I wanted to be seen and heard sometimes. Yes, that is a selfish thing. I wanted to be valued, treasured and trusted. Too much ego going on. I wanted the love I gave to have value that carried itself forward.  I have no words for that.

I can’t change what I was born into, I can only determine how I want to live. We are so much better at dismissing pain than we are at feeling it. We’re better at causing it than facing it. We are lost in the midst of trying to hold onto that thing we cannot name.

Depression is the thing that says “Fuck you, I’m tired of the character you play”. 

I’ve heard that shame cannot cling where it is spoken. I hope that is true.

I’ll speak it. Let it go.

Love takes courage.

To give.

To receive.

A Paradoxical Life


I refuse to choose between wonderful things. I have always despised the times I’ve been urged to do so. I know I can’t have everything I want all at the same time, and I know I can’t have it constantly.  But have them all I will.

This truth about me bothers me very little.

I am an incurable romantic, and a clear-eyed realist. I can revel in someone’s presence and their imperfections because I expect the same in return. I can enjoy all things soft and feminine and still kick ass and take names when my work requires it.

I am, when I choose to be, the life of the party and I crave complete solitude when I have too many hours peopled with…people. I frequently give more than I should, but I resent those who take without asking, or attempt to by manipulation.

I can only be close to those who are willing to speak the truth to me, and reject anyone using truth as a license for mean-ness or disrespect.  Yes, I know the difference.

Don’t expect me to apologize for adoring the beauty of the great outdoors, the miracles of nature while simultaneously expecting bug spray and a plug in for my flat iron. I intend to look fabulous and not feel itchy while I adore creation, thank you very much.

I will view Ireland, Paris and the Black Hills with equal awe.

If you offer me three choices of jewelry or shoes or meals cooked from scratch, I will covet them all equally and expect them all in good time. I am patient and persevering. A cup of coffee brought to me from a gracious heart is equally appreciated. Anyone listening to my occasional diatribes with amused affection is priceless.

I am intense and light-hearted, I dream huge and respect the bottom line, I laugh easily and search for great depths at the same time. I suppose I make no sense to those who love me. I don’t blame anyone for that, but I do appreciate finding those who know how to enjoy me.

There are so many sides of us to celebrate…the deep and ridiculous, emotional and logical, poetry and porn…how can we choose, and why should we?

Embrace the paradox.