It took me a few months to realize that I hadn’t lost my mind, I’d just been letting it run things and drive me insane with it’s non-stop chatter about everything. I also began to understand that the problem wasn’t just that I had chosen poorly (multiple times) and had my heart broken, it was that I had been the first to break it by neglect, shoving it into a box and telling my mind to “fix it” so I could feel better inside…
For all of the 60 years that I can remember.
I was born on my 60th birthday.
The relief I felt when I discovered I was not my endless ridiculous thoughts, or my overwhelming emotions about what I was experiencing was beyond measure. I began to understand that the eternal soul that I am was being run by the thoughts created by my experiences and the emotions generated because of them.
People would hurt me, situations would upset me and I would push the emotions away and tell my mind to “fix it”. Find a way.
“The mind is the place the soul goes to hide from the heart.” Michael Singer
Back in March I remember everything coming to a point of clarity. I did not want to be here anymore. I was no longer interested in continuing a life that left me feeling nothing. I was tired of asking, needing, wishing and wanting. I was ridiculous and I was tired.
I decided to let everything fall away without trying to save it, and that is what saved me.
When my thoughts would wake me up at 1, 2, 3 am I would tell myself, “It happened, it’s over, feel it and let it go”. Over and over for weeks I did this and then somehow, finally I slept through the night. I didn’t want to “need” anything from other people to be happy. I wanted to be happy on my own and “give” from the overflow of that space.
There were a couple of weeks in the beginning when I leaned heavily on my friends and my son for solace and that made me see that I couldn’t expect that from people. I had no right to have someone else carry me, I had to learn to be alone and be good with it.
So here I am.
This is the first time I’ve written anything new in 4 years and I know it’s awkward and clumsy. I don’t care. What I do care about is that I’m writing and I’m honest and I’ll refine it from here forward. I want the inhale and exhale that comes to me from writing, I’m not looking for glory.
I’m creating peace in my heart.
There will be more, but not now. I’m still healing and I’m good with that.
Life is good.
I just didn’t know it.