The Sharp Edge Of The Sword

I have a friend I have never met in person, but I know her well; my heart recognizes hers. She is a fearless warrior at this moment for the animals in the zoo in her community. I can guarantee that there are people who wish she would just go away. They want her to quit speaking out via interviews and blogs and facebook and emails. But she won’t. She doesn’t generically wish for world peace and the betterment of all mankind, she’s put her laser focus on something that meant something to her and she is moving mountains, one thimble-full of dirt at a time.

She is my shero of the moment, stepping out of her comfort zone to do what she can to better the well-being of helpless creatures who are being removed from their mothers at a young age, enclosed in cages much to small for their created beings, and not allowed to live as naturally as possible. She walks her talk, puts her money and efforts where her mouth is, and is trying with all her might to live up to the promise God put into the heart of Romney Anne Speerschneider.

How in the hell can you not admire that? It is so easy to say that we wish for peace, yet not cultivate it in our own daily lives. We wish for an end to world hunger and refuse to give a dollar to the person holding a cardboard sign at the intersection. We judge others for the crime of lack of compassion and show none in our own homes to the ones we are supposed to love the most. We send $20 across the seas and ignore the soup kitchens in our own communities.

Why? Generic giving is great, but painless. We don’t have to really get involved, do we? If we throw our dollars WAAAYYY over there, then we won’t have to feel the personal pain of here. So what does it mean to have real gut courage and compassion?

Open your eyes. Look around you. What do you see? I guarantee there is something or someone right there that you can personally reach out and change, if only by your heartfelt need to show your love. Speak someone’s truth when they do not have the power.  Feed them when they cannot do it themselves. Give them some cash, or love, or a ride, or a direction. Anything as long as it’s a personal heart-felt effort. Let it be inconvenient. Feel the pinch of inadequacy when the world won’t change right now to support you. Be a hero/shero and go to bed at night knowing that no matter what the result~you did what your soul straight out told you to do because you have integrity of soul.

Romney is the bomb. Check out her facebook page Zoo World Is Too Small For Another Lonely Giraffe. Support her if you are led, or for crying out loud, support something else that speaks to you~ask your heart, and make it matter.


Angels or Demons

Once upon a time, not too long ago, I would have missed talking to the moon as she showed herself in short little passes behind the cloud covered night sky. I wouldn’t have thought to look up to her and smile as I asked my questions. I wouldn’t have heard the whispers from the small tree to my left, or whispered back in response.

Not too long ago, I wouldn’t have noticed that as I sat on my front stoop in the middle of the night, that the rain that began to fall was the universe crying for me, because I was unable to cry for myself over an ancient hurt. I wouldn’t have recognized the genuine desire to comfort me in the cuddle of my puppies pressing close, or appreciated the prayers and meditation that brought out flaws in me buried so deeply that I was unable to feel anything about them, much less sorrow.

Before, I was unwilling to see that the energy in constant movement in the perpetuation of my existence was the same energy creating the moon, the tree, the puppies, the rain, my aging jeep, the people I am here with now. I would not have been able to name the invisible abuse I heaped on all~neglect. Apathetic negligence? Total disregard for the real and now in the name of hurry up and do~so I don’t have to think.

Although it is not at all pleasant, to be sure, I am relieved beyond measure to see that my flaws (and they are strong, and plentiful) are gifts to grow my conscience. When I think, say, or do something that horrifies me inside~I can accept that thought word or deed as a learned part of me that is to teach me something and I can be different. But I have to be aware of what I’m doing for this to be true. Which means I have to stop running through the days ignoring it all, or the other extreme of dwelling and busting myself up for it.

It is a foreign concept to me; expressing gratitude for my flaws because of what they teach me about myself~seeing them as a true gift for developing a soul, instead of silently asking myself every day “was I actually born this awful inside, or did I make myself this way?”. I think I understand now that I’m here on purpose with specific things that need to be strengthened in me and I have been skipping school for years in fear of the lessons.

So the internal flaws I have that I thought made me a monster, are the things that will keep me from becoming one. For that I am eternally grateful, as well as the critical knowledge that my very weaknesses are my greatest tools for growth. Wow, talk about changing everything! Who knew I’d ever have to thank God for the worst of me?

The Power Of Words

Let me share with you my belief on the power of words. If we go by what God himself has said as written in the bible, “Let us make man in our image, in our likeness”, so God created man in His own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. Buddha said “Whatever words we utter should be chosen with care, for people will hear them and be influenced by them for good or evil.”

My thinking is, if we were made by God in his image, and he spoke worlds into existence, and people can be  influenced by them for good or evil, why in the world would we doubt the power of our own words; as  sacred beings created in the image of God?

My husband has been sick for two days. Two days ago he came home and said to me “I’m getting sick, it’s going to get worse and I’m probably going to be down for the count”.  And it was so. He felt pretty awful yesterday and told me he bet it would get worse. And it was so. Today he let me know that his week was going to be shot~ after he did, indeed, get worse and had a 100 degree temperature. Throughout this time he will periodically say “wash your hands, you’re going to get sick. don’t get too close, you”re going to get sick.” EVERY TIME he says something like this, I just very calmly say “No, I will not. I’m not getting sick, I’m not catching your cold, I’m going to be fine, quit shooting voodoo words at me”. Every single time. I finally said, “Honey, quit saying that, I’m not going to get sick. Why don’t you try saying you’re going to be much better tomorrow and you can’t wait to enjoy your week?” He tells me it just doesn’t work that way. Hmmm. But what if he did try? And what if he woke up tomorrow and felt better? What if he had some time to enjoy outside? I’m just saying it’s worth a try, yes?

I know there are so many things we can’t control, but our own outlook and, determination and beliefs are very powerful. I know when I get up every morning, I have the almighty power of having an awesome day, or a hellacious one. I get to pick. Sometimes I don’t realize I’ve chosen poorly until partway through and I say to myself “Gurl, what have you done to yourself?? You pissed in your own Cheerios this morning and now you’re whining about it?”.

My poor guy feels like crap. NO doubt about that. I just know he could help himself recover more quickly if he allowed himself to use his own power. I had cluster headaches for 3 months straight every day, and if I hadn’t kept my mind strong and powerful, I may have actually jumped off the local bridge to stop the pain. I don’t know if  I would be pain-free now if I hadn’t kept a very open mind and been willing to entertain out of the box “cures”.

Everything we think, and therefore say, carries great weight in the world. The Universe is always listening and working to fulfill the reality we create every moment. BE CAREFUL, CHOOSE WISELY. What do you plan to create for yourself today? A prison or palace? It’s up to us to decide how we see our world, how we’ll live in it, and what impact we intend to have on those we share it with.

We’ll see what tomorrow brings, but if I wake up with voodoo cooties tomorrow, you can bet there will be a positive affirmation revolution going on in my house! lol. I will sure let you know! ❤

PS in the meantime, healing prayers and thoughts for my husband are greatly appreciated! =)

The Quest Part 4~Love Responds

“Welcome home” I heard Him say, “you let yourself get in the way

Of everything I planned for you, by chasing things that were not True.

The life you’ve lived has left you scarred, your choices made your heart grow hard.

You wandered, joyless, with no goal; ignored My breath within your soul,

And so, I led you to a place where you could know My love and grace;

To feel my Spirit once again; to love Me as you did back then,

And as My love surrounded you, I gave you hope, I made you new.

You saw the world with different eyes, and quit believing all the lies

That you, in darkness, told yourself~and put your dreams up on the shelf

Instead of opening your heart to be a living work of art.

This is the plan I had for you; a golden thread now woven through

The lives of others, and these strands that glitter in My loving hands

Have brought you home, where you belong~you gave me all you saw as wrong

And with great joy, We washed it clean, false blemishes no longer seen

Cannot keep you and I apart. You finished what I helped you start,

And then I brought you home to Me; a shining star for all to see.


The Quest Part 3~The Request

Father, are You busy? Can I talk with You?

There is something I need You to help me through.

Show  me how to live as if I’m unafraid…

Make me smile throughout each dawning day You’ve made.

Let my words be gentle, and my spirit kind;

Teach my hands to right each wrong I find.

Speak to me through word, and song, and friend

About love and forgiveness without end.

Rid me of the selfishness that drives me still;

Let my only wishes be within Your will.

Sing to me with angels as I fall asleep

Of how I’m not just one more soul to keep.

Whisper to me in the morning as I rise

That I am someone special in Your eyes.

Show me how to use the gifts You’ve given me

To make a difference in the lives of those I see.

Let my tears of joy fall as they will,

Overflow the heart that only You can fill,

And let my living matter for the world to see;

The glory of Your love alight in me.


The Quest Part 2~Caged

Trembling limbs, and breath, and word

Although I speak, I am not heard

This fear I face is so absurd.

How can I be prisoner of

A dread that I can rise above

An anger I can heal with love?

Weak at heart, in thought, in soul

Knowing I cannot be whole

until I drop the martyr role.

Shaking now, but unashamed

I face this fear without a name

And cast aside all guilt and blame.

If you cannot recognize

The me I am without the lies

Just know I won’t be otherwise,

And make your  choices as you will;

Chase the needs you must fulfill

In peace, if you can’t love me still.

Quick in joy and slow to rage

I think I’ve turned another page

I take the key~unlock the cage

I built to keep my soul contained;

To hide the softness that remained,

And packed away the dreams disdained.

Trembling limbs, and breath, and word

I speak, and truth is gently heard,

My flight, in light, is undeterred.


The Quest Part 1~Lost

I have wandered far from where I long to be,

Can You even see me where I hide?

I can’t find my way~don’t know how to begin;

I am lost in all the turbulence inside.

I have trembled on the very edge of joy

And lost it in the wind of human pride~

Did You see the bitterness come boiling up;

Springing from a grief too long denied?

I can barely hear You whisper where I stand,

Can You save me from the distance that I feel?

I don’t want to see the Truth that shatters me;

Causing me to turn from what is real.

If I had a prayer that I knew how to say

I would ask for peace and healing in my heart~

To stop this wondering that happens everyday

Of why I learned to hold myself apart.

Have I never been someone so worthy

Of being number one in someone’s eyes?

If I asked this of You, would You answer~

To spare me from these mitigating lies?

I have wandered far, can You still see me?

If I lift my eyes to You, Who will I see?

If You don’t help me discern the answer

I don’t know what will be left of me.

Silently, I breathe Your name, a quiet thought

That smolders from the wreckage of my soul~

Hoping You continue now, in loving me,

And somehow, in Your mercy, make me whole.


Just A Baby

So, I am fifty years old, and as I thought that just now, I realized I’m just a baby in all ways that matter. I’m just beginning to take my first steps in the areas of truth and open-heartedness. I’m just absorbing the fact that I have created the life I live now, and if I want differently, then I have to make it so. That I was gifted with certain abilities that were given to me to be shared with the world because we are all God’s voice. We are His painters, his writers, his sculptors, his healing hands, his psychologists, his chefs, his mothers of all children, his righters of all wrongs, his songs in the midst of every sorrow, his comforting arms to bring relief to a hurting world. I’m just a baby. I have so much to learn and do and change and watch bloom!

We are each a different expression of God himself. Just as no two poems or stories of mine are the same, neither are we exactly the same expression. But we are from the same heart. We are from the same mind, existing in one world to form a beautiful tapestry that can never be duplicated. If you do not offer your gift up to the world because of some crazy ass belief that it’s not good enough, then you short-change the world-you lessen the beauty of the tapestry of life, you die incomplete and cheat us of your beauty expressed from God and get to begin again another time and place. So you get to give again, but you’ve stolen your gift from us. The one that would have opened that heart, changed that thought pattern, eased the pain in that soul. Dammit, I’m pissed, because what you held back may have changed me!! How can you do that??

We spend entirely too much time pondering and pontificating on what we are not. Such bullshit. We ARE all that. And more. Every one of us. We each have purpose we were born to and gifts we were given, and we have NO STINKING RIGHT to hold those gifts from the world because of some ego-driven crap to make ourselves feel noble and humble, that we are not good enough, no one really wants to hear what we have to say, our offerings mean nothing to anyone…CRAP.

I will guess that most of us suffer from “little heart syndrome” a name I’ve given to those of us who are afraid to shine our light out there in the big, bad world. We minimize our importance, not realizing that we are calling our God gifts small and insignificant. I have a husband who is taking his years of experience to teach our future protectors to be safe as well as keep the public safe. He apologizes for his negative view when that view he has is used to prepare our future police to operate safely for their own benefit and the benefit of the public they protect. One of my best friends wants to stay at home and care for her family, but she can’t so she shines her creativity and light on me and the others who work for her. Another is building a new and gracious life after the loss of her spouse, letting herself bloom on the hard topsoil of that grief and loss. My son thinks he’s an average Joe, nondescript, unassuming, quiet. But he’s an amazing phenomenon of heart and logic and straight thinking. Open-hearted, open-minded, with a soul as big as the Grand Canyon. I have a friend who teaches yoga, and she has NO IDEA that she is a changer of lives, an initiator of tremendous change, a builder of souls, a transformer of lives. Jesus, people, you are such lights! Who you are illuminates the world you inhabit. You are a gift as is, and you all haven’t begun to tap into the wonder of you!

We all hide behind what we think we are perceived as…much lesser than the truth, lesser than our created capacity, lesser than the Universe created us to be. Shine, shine, shine people!! And in honor of your courage, I will also shine my light for all to see!

The Dignity of Every Human Life

I stopped in to get some coffee and a few other really important things at the local quickie mart today, and walked into the tail end of a situation that perplexed me. The cashier was in a quiet conversation with a man at the counter, and from their demeanor it seemed to be of some consequence. I checked my lotto tickets, and to my great surprise I hadn’t won a damn thing so I moved on to the coffee, which was a sure thing, and indeed much more important.

The quiet conversation ended and the man stepped outside where an older man in worn camo and a scruffy kind of beard approached him; they talked for less than a minute and went on their separate ways. I watched the bearded guy as he walked past the windows and I asked the cashier what was wrong with him. She said quite firmly that nothing was wrong with HIM, but the quiet guy had a problem deciding whether or not to part with fifty cents for a bag of peanuts for the other guy, who was obviously down on his luck and was hungry. I thanked her and stepped outside feeling really sad about it, and as I got to my car I start looking around to see if I could still see him. Nope, nowhere in sight.

I hopped in my car because I all of a sudden couldn’t bear not to give him some cash from the ATM I’d just stuck in my wallet,  just so I could maybe erase the feeling he must’ve gotten from that encounter. I drove between the quick mart, the restaurants, and the motels, trying to see where he’d tucked himself but he was nowhere.

I even checked out the intersections where some people will stand to try to get help, but no sign of him there either. Sad, sad, sad. It made me glad I’d given my last dollar bill the day before to the old guy at the intersection. I almost didn’t because I was embarrassed that I only had one dollar on me! How weird is that?? But I did catch that ignorant thought and rolled down my window and apologized for only having that to give at the moment. He was so grateful, and I was glad I’d overcome my ego thinking and gave him what I had at least.

I recall two stories in my life in this area that truly struck me as amazing and made me long for the better world we all should be working towards. One was in the bible, when “All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, the gave to anyone as he had need. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts”. The other was from the book The Host where the “souls” that had taken over the human bodies simply did their daily business together and charged nothing, it was a worldwide exchange system I guess where everyone did what we do in our daily work, but charged nothing because they could also get what they needed where ever they went. One huge network of giving and receiving. Wow. It blows my mind!

So I guess, since I don’t live in that world right now, I just want to do whatever I can to lessen the impact on the dignity of the individual going through hard times. If I have something to share I will, with a glad and sincere heart. I know what it’s like to be without. To not have enough money to not go hungry that day, to not have a car and have to walk to work, to thank God for the people in my life at that time who loved on me and left me with dignity because they didn’t make it “charity” and I didn’t have to accept it as such. But I was so grateful, and to see someone’s actions or attitudes diminish someone’s spirit for even a second just hurts my heart. I pray I will never do that to another. I pray my heart will always be open to give…even if it’s the last dollar bill left in my purse. We must take care of the parts of us that are out there broken and alone. Just the ones in front of us. If each of us help the one in front of us won’t we then cure the world of this? We can at least try.

The Truth

I think that I might be an angel in disguise

A quick-change artist mingling with the unaware

So convincing, even I don’t recognize

The truth beneath the many scars I bear.

I’ve worn them proudly, thinking I’ve survived it all

Reality is “victim” stamped upon my brow;

Sometimes they can look the same, too close to call,

But I know, and the truth is what I offer now.

I think I might be strong beneath the weak facade,

In truth I could be other than I am

If I had chosen other than the path I trod,

If I had chosen once to give a damn.

I think I might be beautiful beneath the wreck

That I have built so carelessly around my soul.

My choices, hanging heavy now around my neck

Will be the catalysts that make me whole.

I think I am a woman of integrity,

Although it took the longest road to get me here.

I am not the coward that I used to be~

The most courageous hearts are born from fear.