Broken Open


Protect yourself, toughen up, live in the real world, don’t be so sensitive. I’ve told myself this so many times. Be the same, blend in, don’t rock the boat, you expect too much, life isn’t a love story, or an adventure, or full of magic or miracles. I’ve heard this from others and replayed it plenty over the years. So I did that thing you never want to do and I listened to all of it, and I did a great job of making myself what I finally became: numb.

The good thing is, when my heart finally hardened enough, nothing hurt me anymore. “I don’t care” was my mantra to myself in a never-ending loop. When faced with negligence, judgment, hostility, hate-spewing, whining, subtle slams of criticism, or being severely under valued~I felt no pain. Moving right along with my “I don’t care” mantra, I breezed through mediocrity and monotony with expressionless grace. I quit writing, because I had to feel to do so, and I had nothing I wanted to say anymore.

Enter the truth. I noticed that I couldn’t feel the good things either. My joy in anything at all was missing. I saw nothing in full color, and felt nothing that truly touched me. I forgot how to love, and how to let myself be loved, with very few exceptions, and it frightened me.

I sat down one day after finding an old MAPP assessment I received, years ago, when I was unsure of what direction I should take, the results of which I disregarded as I tried to turn myself into Super Woman. After page three, I realized to my dismay that I was crying. Silent tears just falling as I read about the young woman I almost remembered being. I also realized with no doubt at all in my mind that I LIKED that girl. I missed her. I wanted to be her, and I should have been.

So here I am. Trying to open this bear trap of a heart with a crowbar. Reading, writing poetry, listening to music that makes me dance, practicing yoga, and meditation. I am working on softening my heart every moment of every day that I can. It’s not easy when the life that I let shut me down is still happening every day. But I am getting somewhere. I’m thinking for myself, and asking questions of myself too long ignored. I’m re-calibrating my soul in a way. I’m leaving my assessment out for frequent reading as a map to the new world, a way of finding joy, adventure, and miracles again.

I want to keep trying, crying, and loving until I’m broken open~and when it happens, my world may not be the same as I thought it should be, but what I am, and what I have will be real. The love I feel, and have, will be worth it. Both for the giver and receiver.

I want to be the open-hearted girl, the lion-hearted girl, the “too much” girl. I want to be that girl who cares too much, cries too much, gives too much, writes too much, and laughs too long and too loud. Come home girl, I miss you.

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Tainted Image


You cannot see

Your own beauty glowing through

The warped reflection

And flawed perceptions…

You cannot hear

The truth of your voice

Through the muffled shouts

And critical words

That deafen you to your music.

You cannot smell the stench

Of deception

That makes your eyes tear

While you are told

That all blame is yours to bear.

You cannot speak

Through the throat tight

With self-denial

Certain that nothing you say

Could convey the purity

Of your heart’s intentions~

The same heart

You can no longer feel

Beneath the tight grip

Of self control

That strangles you.

I only ask of you to believe

In one truth…

Your magnificence.

Shelly ❤

Color Blind


When did you become

blind to your own Value?

Allowing tiny minds

and Bitter hearts

to color your Truth?

When did you begin

to accept Defeat~

Projecting the image

of Fragility,

handing over your Power

to Those who only Fear it?

When did you lose

your beautiful Voice

speaking Truth and Comfort,

Laughter and Healing~

leaving it Buried under

the Loud and Painful sounds

of Judgment and Ridicule?

When did You give up,

accepting the gray world

of Those who live in Fear?

I recognize You

beneath your Disguises

and it is Time to open Your eyes

and Wake up.

 

Shelly ❤

 

The Suffocation of Spirit


Take a Breath

and accept your gifts

are as unique

as You are,

Your words, song, dance~

are Treasures

not always recognized

for their Grace

and Divine content.

Thus,

when your are spurned,

rejected,

or unappreciated~

you must tell your Spirit

it is time

to Dance for another

with a more open

heart for Love,

a more discerning

eye for Beauty,

a soul starving

for Truth.

It is not that you

are not good enough~

it is only that some

cannot See

as clearly as others will,

the gift you have

for Magic.

Your only choice

is to take a Breath…

to remain in the Dance…

speak Life…

Love.