Addicted to Change


This must be what happens when you start chasing down the Truth of yourself, and begin to know things that you really weren’t looking to know. Once you get the courage to be just a little honest inside, you feel the truth of it, and you have to change that little thing. You just can’t help it. Then you have the terror, and the rush, of not being quite who you were before, and there’s a bunch of external hysteria to deal with while others adjust-or don’t.

When things balance out a little, and you start to backslide, not only do you yank yourself in line, but you look further than you did last time. You see another truth, and you have to change another little thing.

Before long, you’re on a roll, and the general public starts to think you’re a little nuts. Maybe you are a seeker, a searcher, looking and questioning everything, seeing through the pretenses of others because you did the same pretending! Those who know you can become quite aggravated at what they see as a weakness, a flaw, a need to drop the status quo.

This is my current story, and I can say I’m okay with it. It will never be complete, and it will be ever-changing, but it’s my story~and I’m determined it will be an awesome tale for future generations. I want it to be real. I want to be real.

I have learned at this point, that when I treat someone as they “deserve” to be treated, rendering justice, and helping them reap what they sow~I am crippling myself, locking my heart down, and allowing the circumstances to rob me of who I really am at heart. This just came to me as I was driving to temple classes, and I understood that my real desire was to help heal as much as I could for the benefit of both of us, not to mete out punishment according to my injuries, real and imagined.

It’s hard, at first, to see someone’s suffering when you are so busy feeling your own. It’s hard to believe that the injuries you sustain from someone you love are not personally meant, but a symptom of misery and sorrow and lack in themselves. It’s difficult to disassociate enough not to strike back, yet not so much that there is a complete lack of compassion; and resentment begins. Its a fine line, but another soul in pain is surely worth the effort, as is the building of the light in your own soul.

There’s a lot boiling in the heart of each one of us, and it’s the only way to refine the gold we’re made of. It stands to reason that when one of us catches a little light, we should be willing to share the illumination with those around us. Sometimes, those close to us have no desire to see, and that is completely up to the individual.

We each have to live the truth of us, as we uncover it, to be truly joyous in our daily living. We must become addicted to change, and growth, and transformation. If we’re not growing, we’re dying, or stagnating~which is just another slow death.

As annoying as it may be when it occurs, I look forward to what I learn tomorrow. I hope it can be the same for you.

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It’s Not Okay


This is a reality check. Take a moment and look at your closest relationships. It doesn’t matter whether it’s looking at your behavior and treatment of others, or theirs towards you, or both. Just take a good, honest look. I’m referring to your long haul relationships, the ones that have existed for long enough that it seems to be okay to dump hard on them on a daily basis.

A relationship of any kind is meant to be a partnership, an exchange of energies that strengthen both, a motivation for growth and prosperity for both parties, not for one at the expense of the other. My favorite example is marriage, although friendships run a close second. In christian vows, the pledge is that two become one, not one become the other, with the weaker party disappearing into the atmosphere.

This particular event requires growing some self-love, and a spine. It really is easier to let the arrogant, selfish, and demanding turn you into a victim. It’s easier than fighting it constantly. It is also a misery, a mistake, and a piss poor excuse for a life. Tell the truth now, it may be easier, but you don’t like it. If you do, that’s a different blog, for another day.

Yeah, yeah, they’ve got so much potential. They were raised that way, if you just do this, or act that way, well the evil spell would be lifted and you would ride away together on the white horse of…total bullshit. Don’t perpetuate, or enable. Don’t paralyze yourself into a silent, closed-hearted, unforgiving and judgmental way of existing.

The truth is, sometimes we try to stay in relationships that should not have become what we allow them to be. That painful marriage would’ve been a great friendship if left alone, or what was meant as a learning growing dating relationship was forced into something more than both parties were capable of maintaining. Sometimes, by forcing what we think our future should look like, we turn a learning experience into the torture chamber from hell. Truth is, some people shouldn’t get married. They are happy living for themselves, taking care of themselves, making decisions for themselves, and don’t have the makeup to perform as a team, or couple. Nothing wrong with that, until they decide to couple up.

God help us. Then you’ve got a really nice person, not capable of putting someone else first, and causing misery and trauma to another. On the other side of that is the love sick nurturer thinking that if they do enough, or give enough, or try hard enough, the solitary one will magically transform into the sharing, giving, person of their dreams. Wrong on both sides.

What we have here is two wonderful people destroying each other by inches. They should not have paired themselves. Bad match, not bad people. Unfortunately we’ve been raised (most of us) that such relationships are forever, and we lock ourselves into the pain of two people never being what the other wishes they were, or needs them to be. So when somebody has to be the bad guy (or gal) both parties lose~because it’s a lie.

Falling in love is just the doorway. At some point in time, all of us make it to the doorway with someone. A true loving relationship means going in, going deeper, mutual  courtesy, respect, trust and commitment to working out the kinks as they come up. A lot of people don’t have the courage; the spine, to work through problems so they can be released. Some just don’t care enough about another to do so. Both views of thought are a death knell for a growing relationship of future value.

Sadly we also have so many long term relationships that cause a person to say to themselves, “Woe is me, I’ve been crapped on for years, this is all there is, it’s too late to fix, or start fresh, I’m too old now, I don’t want to be alone, who will take care of me…”. Seriously.

I guess I’m aggravated at all of us. Well, okay, the majority of us, since I do know of people who are matched well, or have made themselves be an excellent match for each other. The point is, life is too short to be less than you are, no matter who you are.

It is not okay to use the force of your personality and desires to obliterate another’s ability to be who they are, and it’s not okay to accept a life you were absolutely not created to live. Hello. We are all different expressions of the same creator. What if there were only one song played over and over every day? One food to eat, one painting to look at, and sigh? What if we all looked the same, did the same job, held the same opinion?

That’s hell, right there. So all of us need to honor and respect the unique expression each of us brings to the table. Not mock, or belittle, or try to erase. Sometimes that means you can build something strong with someone, sometimes it means letting go~so both can bloom.

And that is all I have to say about that.