Time Out

This has been a tough week for me. After my dating post a day or so ago, it’s important for me to make it clear up front that no matter what happens after this time to regroup, the guy I’ve been seeing the past 8 weeks is a good man. I’m saying this first because I can’t split my energies between dealing with the struggle of missing him, and defending him from misguided bashing on my behalf. I’ve appreciated the love and messages so much, but please understand that I share only because we’re all walking each other home here, we all struggle and hurt and find our way as best we can.

We can’t know what conflict is going on inside someone else unless they tell us.

We can’t make them tell us or solve it for them or take away their lessons, nor should we.  I don’t know at the moment what will happen, and that is hard. When I hear someone say, “falling in love” my heart flinches a little because the impact when you land “in love” changes things. It’s frightening because it’s not just fun and games any more. To me, falling in love, then having landed there means that you have fragile little roots in your heart planted by the flash and sizzle of  dating. Then you have to decide. Do you rip them out before they take root, or nurture them into something magnificent?

This is not a simple decision, and not one to be made carelessly.

The human heart is at risk here and there are many things that factor in. If you’re dating someone going through the first year of separation/divorce, you have placed yourself in a minefield by your own doing. I kept myself out of the dating scene for 2 years for this very reason. The whole first year is horribly hard. All the holidays and other family events that are no longer the same, the guilt if there are children involved can be crippling, the stress of going from 2 incomes shared to being on your own…the adjustments mentally, emotionally and financially can be devastating at times.

You wonder if you did the right thing, you mourn the losses, you wonder what life will look like when the dust settles and it is terrifying. You dream of future happiness, wonder if it’s doable and if you are surprised by falling in love in the midst of all this, it can set off a series of events that will either bury you or pull you through.

We humans are such wonderfully complicated creatures aren’t we?

I don’t know what will happen next. I don’t know if we’ll get the chance to become something more amazing, or if I’ll have to go inside and ruthlessly pull it all out by the roots. Change is inevitable and necessary for a beautiful life so I will deal with whatever comes and keep moving forward.

So aside from thank you, and I love you, please know I’ve been waiting for this moment. Dating is an important first step, but is exhausting after a while, expensive and an unrealistic place to “stay” if you want to build something astonishing out of your life, which I absolutely intend to do with mine.

I need more than flash, I need the sharing of burdens and sorrows, the blending of lives, and the constant discovering of the one I love. I want to be their sanctuary, their safe and loved place where there are no knives, harsh words or judgements. The place where they don’t have to pretend they’re super-human and have all the answers. The place they are most appreciated and loved. I need to be that.

I need them to be sanctuary for me.

I ask that you wish me luck, wisdom and strength until I clear things out, and please know that I’ve spent the last 8 weeks with a very good man. The hurt and the missing I’m carrying right now are because he is that amazing. It comes from what I hold for him inside, not from anything he’s done that I need defended from. But thank you so much for caring ❤


No Words

Five weeks ago, I returned to you with proof that the perfect first date was not myth or legend. I too was astonished at my findings. After two weeks of what my brother called “power dating” I’m sure you’ll recall that with as amazing and exciting as that was, I was looking for reality to edge it’s way in so I could see how well we handled its intrusion.

It’s good to take the time every so often, in any relationship, to revisit and revise based on what you’ve learned. Especially in the beginning when your heart is so open and easily led by joy. I want to check where I am, see where I’ve been foolish, selfish or wise. What do I need to see differently; what do I need to know?

Is that a red flag? A white one? Or just a weed that needs yanked out by the roots?

I need these times because (gut honesty here) when I’m with him all I can do is smile and feel the wonder of being with someone who will pull me to my feet to dance in the living room, reaches back to take my hand so he doesn’t lose me when we’re out, wants to know what’s going on in my head when I get quiet, and melts my heart when I walk in the room and he’s in front of the Keurig with the makings for coffee he doesn’t drink.

Last week I had a moment when I face-planted into a mistaken assumption I held to be true, tears were in my eyes and I had to excuse myself to go to the rest room and…rest. My experience being what it is, I rarely cry in front of anyone. So I’m in the ladies room, staring at myself in the mirror with new eyes that have tears just rolling out of them, and a woman comes in and touches my shoulder. Our eyes meet in the mirror and I wonder out loud…

“This is a stay or go moment. Am I going to be foolish, selfish or wise?”

My new friend pats my shoulder and tells me I’ll know what to do when I get back out there, so I do. I have questions, but the men I’ve known react to tears by backing away, getting defensive or ghosting altogether. I’ve told you before that I’ve yet to meet the guy who’s strong enough to hold a woman when she cries, especially if it has anything to do with him, but it looks like I may have found one.

We talked for a bit, I asked the questions I obviously should have, and I learned what I needed to know for the stay or go moment. Those of you who know me are now picturing the fist fight going on in my head as it does when something is important to me. It was pretty vicious for a moment or two, and I teared up again.

I have no intention of falling in love by myself. I refuse to let that happen.Then, instead of pushing back, getting defensive or ghosting to safety, he did the most astonishing thing I’ve ever seen…

He leaned in, and talked to me.

My head got quiet, my heart started beating again, and they both whispered one word…