The Curse

This is a day that is reminiscent of unpleasant days gone by…days when I had no choice but to begin each one of them with a heartfelt prayer for grace, and blessings, and perhaps a miracle or two.  Days when, no matter what my effort or plea, my world continued to implode in a slow and somehow graceful dance of doom until I was left only with the question, “why is my life not being filmed as a tragic comedy for those not actually involved with it?”.

Once upon a time, there was an exiled princess, beautiful beyond all measure (this is my story, leave it alone). She had been banished to an atrocious River House with the curse upon her that no matter what she did to make things beautiful in her world, it would be for naught. The original structure of this house was a thousand years old and had been added on to so many times that no one really knew how many fuse boxes it contained (and some of you don’t even know what those are, do you??). The rafters for the ceilings were from native timber that time had twisted into unrecognizable shapes, the windows were of the very first glass ever made, and the furnace was a monstrosity from hell.

The beautiful princess and the mighty huntsman she married had a magical child, a son, who they loved with all their hearts, and it was difficult to keep him safe in the River House of Doom with a high-speed road ,  six inches from the house on one side, and a raging river as a back yard. But keep him safe they did, and for the next 20 odd years, the beautiful princess fought the River House of Doom with all her might.

She put a new roof on it, replaced every window, re-sanded every floor, replaced the furnace, tiled and painted the bathroom, put up new ceilings, built new walls, and tore a few down, painted the exterior at least three times and then sided it when all else failed. Throughout these times they survived many floods from the wrath of nature, cleaning up and continuing on…

Until the final GREAT AND MIGHTY FLOOD; the one that desecrated the entire village…and although the River House of Doom was not swept away with the others, the enormous power of the flood destroyed the foundation beneath with all of the heating and plumbing that had been so carefully replaced. And thus she was defeated. In deep shame, and financial ruin she departed with her huntsman to the furthest edge of the kingdom to heal, and make their plans to overcome the evil curse and thrive. (the little prince had fortunately left before the GREAT AND MIGHTY FLOOD to fight epic battles for his people)

Slowly, they healed, they learned, they grew. They became stronger from the battles they fought in days long past. They began to dream of a better day where they drove cars from the current millennium, and owned a home on a quiet property where Bambi and Thumper roamed and flowers grew in profusion. The beginning of the beginning was in sight.

Then the day dawned when her chariot (or the horse) became to tired to go on, it needed an oil change, and a cracked manifold repaired and the electrical system redone, and when she came home to ponder this financial fiasco she found that her refrigerator no longer worked and the burners on her stove only functioned at half capacity!

At this point, dear Reader, we must entertain the possibility that the curse of the River House of Doom is still upon the beautiful princess. What must she and the mighty huntsman do to break this evil curse?  Should she send him forth on his trusty Harley to search the kingdom for answers? Her hair, although fashionable, is not long enough to use as an escape route. Sleeping until a handsome prince comes is not an option. (huntsmen get very touchy about things like that) So what’s a girl to do??

Someday we will know what her answers were. For now we must just accept that shit happens, you have to suck it up and roll with it, learn your lessons from it and make better decisions based on your past experiences. At least that’s what I get from this fairy tale.

Oh!! I forgot to tell you the part of the story where, after they escaped from the flood, the River House of Doom caught on fire and burned to the ground. And when the princess was notified of what was happening she went to see for herself. And as she saw the fire jumping high into the night sky…she danced =).


The End?

Peace of Mind vs. Piece of Mind

I have struggled for a little over a week now with the concept vs. reality of a peaceful heart and mind.  I found myself  in front of my refrigerator today staring at a magnet I OBVIOUSLY put there myself; and it tells me quite clearly that peace does NOT mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work, it means to be in the midst of these things and still be calm in your heart.

I may not have actually read this magnet before putting it on my fridge door. I may have seen the word peace and desperately grasped it for what it represented in my mind and put it on the door as an announcement of some sort. Maybe I thought to use it as a “keep of the grass” sign. You know, “I intend to be at peace at all times so don’t piss with me okay?”, that kind of thing. Anyway, all has gone so well and I felt that I had achieved a few things that really moved me forward, and then a week ago…life became very irritating. Everything felt hostile; work, home, my own thoughts. My inner dialogue was controlled by my evil twin sister, who loves to blow everything out of proportion, prefers to stomp those first who would stomp on her, and assumes she is the only one who ever does anything and is a victim of circumstance. Blah, blah blah, she can be such a dork. On the good side, she is so ridiculous that her thoughts are a wonderful indicator of where I need work. A LOT of work. So today, in front of the fridge, reading a magnet (obviously for the first time) I see that I have not truly been at peace these past months, I have been hiding behind the concept of it.

The truth is, I really want it. The peace of mind. The peace of heart. The ability to be calm, and loving and hopeful in the face of anything. When somebody is yelling at me, or misrepresenting me, or trying to use or abuse me in some way, or I don’t achieve or get what I want, or life just seems momentarily to suck~ I want to have that balance of love and hope and peace that makes every day worth getting out of bed for.

I want the real thing. The complete loss of peaceful mind that I experienced this past week made me see I didn’t really have it at all! So I took steps to change that today. mindful breathing and prayer and meditation on a daily basis. Wearing the t-shirt doesn’t make it so. I had to go into the mad and disappointment and sit with it awhile. Feel it and hear where it came from. I had to see where I had tricked myself and be honest enough to admit that I had been hiding behind a mask of peace (all the time fighting giving everyone a piece of my mind) when I could have been doing the work needed to actually be peace. I want to be a refuge to myself and others. For real.

I know I’m not the only one searching, struggling and hiding behind…so reach out, I’m here, Namaste ❤