I don’t take time to bleed; I never have. I keep going no matter what is happening around me. Looming financial collapse? I just get two more jobs. Physically ill, or sick at heart? I keep working, fulfilling duties, and moving forward until it goes away-or I just shut down. A hard heart doesn’t bleed, nor does it experience the fullness of joy.
In some ways I feel like a wild animal regaining consciousness only to find itself caught in a trap, seeing the damage and feeling the pain of the injury it was unaware of until this moment. The sad part of that picture is that I rendered myself unconscious, I set the trap, I caused the damage and the pain.
So here I am, on the front porch, crying over spending eight to nine hours every day in a work environment where people will cannibalize each other without thought. All of us under stress, strain, and scrutiny. I prepare myself every morning with prayer and meditation, I do all I can to diffuse and soothe and appreciate, but sometimes it’s not enough. Not for those who work with me, and not for me.
The interesting part of this is that I don’t feel like a failure. I am just no longer someone who thrives in that kind of environment, and the only thing I’ve changed is myself. I am exhausted from making myself the protector of all, the buffer of bad things, the fixer of all wrongs. Who can do that? Certainly not me, but I am caught in a web of my own making and must diligently, relentlessly, and with extreme prejudice~extract myself from the make-believe world I’ve been living in.
Seriously. I’m just a girl who writes blogs and poetry, who wants to shift my life towards helping others through the same problems I wander through. I just want to write, love on my puppies, my family, and my friends. I want to build a community of people recovering from hardened hearts, narrow minds, and judgmental spirits. I want to get to know people who need me to see them, and show them how priceless they are.
I’m tired. And sad. And ready to chew my own leg off to get free. I think I’ll go with plan B though =).