Confessions of a Shadow


I didn’t used to be a shadow, you know. I was me. I was all of me. I ran the show because I was all there was…I thought. I learned everything I knew at the time from what I thought was an entire world full of people willing to bury me beneath the weight of their own wants and needs. My luck was poorer than, my circumstances harder than, my sadness greater than, and my anger and defensiveness so huge it could only be matched by my ego. My ego was an awesome trainer when it was just me (before I became a shadow). It helped me fight to be right, no matter what. I think I actually became a black belt in the hair-raising “Oh. No. You. Didn’t.” but I never really tested out to say for certain.

I think I must have become a shadow when I grew too tired to care who was right. When I realized, that if you have to ask someone to make room for you, then you really don’t need to be there~that spot is not for you. I noticed that I built walls to prevent myself from the hurt that comes from trying to build a bridge when the other person couldn’t care less if you succeed. Again, forcing something that shouldn’t be. Why is living and loving and caring for each other so difficult? Because we make it so. Okay, I won’t speak for you, because I make it so.

I was so exhausted, and began to long for peace. Not the fake stuff where I could walk around like “lalala” and the whole world was rainbows and butterflies and little birds helped me dress in the morning. (although that would be killer) No. I wanted the kind that no matter what happened all around me, there was a safe place I could hold myself steady through it all.

The more my heart cracked under the weight of the ridiculous perceptions I carried, the more light seeped in.  The more misguided notions I tossed aside, the more light poured in~and BAM~here I am, shadow extraordinaire.

It took me awhile to understand that all parts of us have something to teach us. Shadows are the powerful part of you that have much to teach you about what you need more of, or less of, in your life.  Shadows rise up to warn you, not to take over, so don’t let it happen. If I get into a repetitive  situation of negativity, and shadow rises up quickly to burn the perpetrator with the flame-thrower of self-righteousness, I pause. No kidding.  I’ve had to learn to hug it quickly to my heart, welcome its warning, pat it on the back and with a big smile say “step aside hon, overkill not needed, I have a spine now”. I may not create what people do to me, but I allow that to continue to exist or not.

There is no shadow without light, so I’m glad to know I exist now. I know my purpose is to speak the clear voice of truth as a warning, and a gauge of what is at this moment, so that who I am as a whole can maneuver the potholes and obstacles and correct the wrong turns on the path to peace.

Be smart. Don’t ignore your shadow as signs of being a bad or mean person. If you listen to her, she’ll calm down, and you’ll hear clearly what you need to attend to for your own well-being.

Because the shadow knows. (sorry couldn’t help it)

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Shadow Heart


This is a shadow day. A day of dark reflection reminding me that nothing remains the same, so  I must evolve into my light, or sink back into my shadow. There is no middle ground. I accept that every day may be a gift, but not all will be easy. I will always wish, in those moments when life is at its brightest and so am I, that I can hold onto the magic. During days like today, I know it really is up to me to either stay in the shadows, or bring myself into the light again, but I have to remind myself. It isn’t so easily rendered on a day like today.

I know that I determine my attitude, yet today I struggle with misery. There is a strong part of me that wants to force things to be, instead of let them unfold. I have to trust that my perfect opportunities are being brought to me, and will arrive at just the right time. I don’t want to carelessly damage the plans for me that are greater than any I can conceive of for myself. I trust  the Creator of all things, just as I trust in my next breath, my next heartbeat,  and my body  working to heal itself. The seasons change without effort, the sun rises, flowers bloom and the earth rotates without any help from me, who am I not to trust in the flawless creation of my life?

So I am telling myself tonight that the shadow I am today is merely a sign of the brilliant light I’m standing in, because without the light I long to flood the world with, I would never see the shadow.

Shadows are proof of Light. Proof of Life, and Hope, and Love.

And so it is.