This Is How


This is how you quit hiding. This is how you do that scary thing you only whisper to yourself when the shadows of midnight are your cover. This is how you quit being someone who accepts insult and disrespect and turns it into fuel for the journey to redemption.

This is how you quit looking at yourself with the same contempt that you hear in the voices of those who are supposed to love you. The same people who demand respect for themselves and won’t give it to you until you grab them by the nuts and squeeze. Yes, those people.

This is how you lift your head and look yourself in the eye and say “fuck you” to anyone who tries to tread on you while you fight your way out. This is how you lose friends you don’t need, and create an open space for people with spine and courage to come rest with you when you stop to breathe.

This is how you make it through the jagged edges of your own bullshit and throw yourself on the ground of the truth you were never willing to see until now. Go ahead, roll onto your back and look up at a sky you haven’t seen as you inhale the possibilities. Count the stars as you dream, watch them as they shoot across the sky and fall. Feel the wind of everything whispering at the edges of your mind for a chance to grow. Take in the feeling of the grass at your back supporting you like the certainty burning in your gut right now.

I didn’t know what it felt like until now, did you?

This is how you finally break the destructive pattern of giving pieces of your heart and soul that you will never get back to those who are too blinded by their own damage to love anyone.  They are not capable of seeing, accepting or thriving in the love burning you from the inside out.

This is how you say, “I love you, but you can’t stop yourself from trying to bury me in your own damage, so I have to step away”. This is how you say “I am here anytime you need me to hold you or help you move forward, but no more games”. This is how you say “I love you, but you’ll speak to me with integrity and respect, or not at all”. This is how you can look yourself in the eye every morning in the mirror.

The other option is shame and sorrow, which I personally have lived with for too long and do not recommend. When you look at yourself with the same disgust that you hear in the voices of those who say they love you, it is time to take yourself outside and kick your own ass.

Nobody is going to save you. You are all you’ve got.

So let me recap. No matter now badly we were treated, we thought even less of ourselves than those who smacked us down. No matter how much we want to love and be loved, allowing disrespect to build another’s broken self esteem is unacceptable.  Stop the lies you tell yourself. They don’t love you, you just make them feel powerful. They don’t need you, you’re just convenient. They don’t respect you and you hear and see it daily until you WALK AWAY.


I am here. I am the sky, the stars, the wind and the grass at your back supporting you. I have been there, I may still be there now to welcome you. I am fighting my way out and away from those who would build themselves an empire of our shattered bones, broken spines and torn hearts. I am fighting. Every day means change if you just have the courage to take one step.

One step can be the difference between living or dying for your love, hope, soul and dream.

This is the way. Be afraid. Do it anyway. I believe in you. I believe in me.

Let it be written.


City of Jewels

Rest quietly for a moment
in the power of your potential…

Feel the irresistible
tug of your heart as it trembles
with the desire
to be set free…

Listen to the whispers
of the thoughts no longer willing
to be brushed aside
as trivial…

Know the tear you cry
is from your soul torn from reaching
into the City of Jewels
where your dreams wait…

For this exact moment
on the cutting edge of Now-
for you to find your courage,
and release your Fire.

Shelly ❤

Tainted Image

You cannot see

Your own beauty glowing through

The warped reflection

And flawed perceptions…

You cannot hear

The truth of your voice

Through the muffled shouts

And critical words

That deafen you to your music.

You cannot smell the stench

Of deception

That makes your eyes tear

While you are told

That all blame is yours to bear.

You cannot speak

Through the throat tight

With self-denial

Certain that nothing you say

Could convey the purity

Of your heart’s intentions~

The same heart

You can no longer feel

Beneath the tight grip

Of self control

That strangles you.

I only ask of you to believe

In one truth…

Your magnificence.

Shelly ❤

Confessions of a Shadow

I didn’t used to be a shadow, you know. I was me. I was all of me. I ran the show because I was all there was…I thought. I learned everything I knew at the time from what I thought was an entire world full of people willing to bury me beneath the weight of their own wants and needs. My luck was poorer than, my circumstances harder than, my sadness greater than, and my anger and defensiveness so huge it could only be matched by my ego. My ego was an awesome trainer when it was just me (before I became a shadow). It helped me fight to be right, no matter what. I think I actually became a black belt in the hair-raising “Oh. No. You. Didn’t.” but I never really tested out to say for certain.

I think I must have become a shadow when I grew too tired to care who was right. When I realized, that if you have to ask someone to make room for you, then you really don’t need to be there~that spot is not for you. I noticed that I built walls to prevent myself from the hurt that comes from trying to build a bridge when the other person couldn’t care less if you succeed. Again, forcing something that shouldn’t be. Why is living and loving and caring for each other so difficult? Because we make it so. Okay, I won’t speak for you, because I make it so.

I was so exhausted, and began to long for peace. Not the fake stuff where I could walk around like “lalala” and the whole world was rainbows and butterflies and little birds helped me dress in the morning. (although that would be killer) No. I wanted the kind that no matter what happened all around me, there was a safe place I could hold myself steady through it all.

The more my heart cracked under the weight of the ridiculous perceptions I carried, the more light seeped in.  The more misguided notions I tossed aside, the more light poured in~and BAM~here I am, shadow extraordinaire.

It took me awhile to understand that all parts of us have something to teach us. Shadows are the powerful part of you that have much to teach you about what you need more of, or less of, in your life.  Shadows rise up to warn you, not to take over, so don’t let it happen. If I get into a repetitive  situation of negativity, and shadow rises up quickly to burn the perpetrator with the flame-thrower of self-righteousness, I pause. No kidding.  I’ve had to learn to hug it quickly to my heart, welcome its warning, pat it on the back and with a big smile say “step aside hon, overkill not needed, I have a spine now”. I may not create what people do to me, but I allow that to continue to exist or not.

There is no shadow without light, so I’m glad to know I exist now. I know my purpose is to speak the clear voice of truth as a warning, and a gauge of what is at this moment, so that who I am as a whole can maneuver the potholes and obstacles and correct the wrong turns on the path to peace.

Be smart. Don’t ignore your shadow as signs of being a bad or mean person. If you listen to her, she’ll calm down, and you’ll hear clearly what you need to attend to for your own well-being.

Because the shadow knows. (sorry couldn’t help it)

You Can’t Handle The Truth aka Kiss My Ass

Drop the masks for just a minute.  Quit pretending to be socially acceptable, to blend in, to accept the inevitable, to not be mad as hell that this is all there is. Because it’s not.

I’ve spent a lot of time today, between working and losing my marbles, thinking of how ridiculously difficult we make our lives. Complicated, yes, life is wonderfully complicated. We, however, make it RIDICULOUSLY difficult. Because we think we’re supposed to?? I’m not sure exactly where that plan comes from, but it is seriously bullshit.

It is an honor to be alive, a gift, a treasure. The way some of us tolerate misery in our lives is what I imagine being gut-shot in an old western movie, and being left to die slow-must feel like. Or maybe cutting off our own arm with the dull edge of a butter knife. Good grief and we perpetuate this way of living like it’s a religion.

Give me a break. Guess what? It’s not okay for somebody to treat you like the uni-bomber, or some lower form of life, or in any way at all less than themselves.  It’s not okay for anyone to demand an explanation for who you are when they haven’t invested any time in getting to know you. You do not have to defend the truths you believe, or explain your desire for knowledge to anyone else’s satisfaction but your own. You do not have to allow anyone to label you according to their own limited judgement, let those hideous things fall right off and move on.

Unless you are caring for a beloved child (which is an entirely different blog for later),  stop the madness. You don’t have to run yourself to death taking care of anyone else.  Like the stewardess (excuse me flight attendant) says~please put the mask on yourself first, so you can have the ability to then assist others.  For God’s sake.

Ladies and Gents,  you cannot possibly give anyone the best you have when you think you are not worthy of respect. When you don’t have self-respect. When your standards are not high enough to pick yourself up out of the shit others lay on you, you cannot elevate others to a new level of life.  To be able to reach your hand down and help someone else up~you’ve got to be standing up by your own power to begin with!

I am appalled at my own acceptance of less.  I am offended by my own lack of spine when it comes to treatment I obviously deem acceptable. I am so ready to kick someone’s ass when they treat a friend poorly, yet I swallow insulting and mean-spirited words and behavior…what? because I think I must?? Oh. Hell No.

I have seen emotional manipulation at its worst. I have experienced truth being turned into a farce of perception that is worthy of a reality show. I have felt intimidation at it’s highest levels.  I’m done.

The people who refuse to “sugar coat” the truth are asking for license to act like ass-hats, and talk to you like a mongrel dog. It is more than possible to speak the truth to someone with a grace that leaves them with their human dignity intact. It is possible to share your needs and hurts and confusion without shredding the self-esteem of another.

Unless, of course, that is your intention. Then, as I stated clearly in the last paragraph~you are an ass-hat, and need to be schooled in the art of being human.

And for the moment…that’s all I have to say about that.