A Kingdom Falling: The Flight of She


She walked through her Kingdom smiling, and doing, and caring for others, and making life run smoothly. Everyone thought she was strong, competent, brilliant, funny and kind.

Inside she was just one long silent scream of despair.

She did and said all the right things. She went where she was supposed to, did what everyone else did, and built an entire world with stones of commitment, mortar of guilt, turrets of shame, and surrounded it with a moat guarded by the dragons of WhatEveryBodyElseDoes.

Her burning eyes constantly scanned the horizon for something she could not name.

She had grown tired of the performance and longed for something real, something of value that would give her a reason to wake up in the morning and rise to face the challenges of another day. She didn’t need anyone to come and save her, for God’s sake, she had a King in the castle, and what good had that done her?

She was perfectly capable of saving herself, if she could only believe she was worth the collateral damage.

She knew she could walk across the moat of regret at any time. She could catapult herself over the wall of bullshit. She could tame one of the Dragons and fly him into the sunset. The power was all in her hands.

But she first had to find the belief that she was worth every dream she held closely in her heart.

The hardest thing of all for her to bear, was the knowledge that she herself helped build every wall, reinforced every rule, diminished herself to fit the mold, voluntarily, so that no one would notice she didn’t belong.

She became her own judge, jury, executioner and now held the keys to the dungeon.

After many years of sitting on the ramparts, thinking her thoughts and dreaming her dreams, finally the largest dragon spoke:

“What do you want?”

“Freedom.”

“What do you want?”

“The space and respect to be myself.”

“What do you want?”

“Passion.”

“Even if it’s only your own?”

“Yes. Even then.”

The questions continued long into the night. The questions the dragon asked were horribly hard to hear and painful to answer. He wanted to know why she had stayed so long in a Kingdom that had no room for all that she was. He wanted to know what she was doing to fix her circumstances. He wanted to know why a Queen was behaving like a little mouse skittering out of the way of the brashness, the selfishness, the arrogant anger. He wanted to know why she allowed herself to be manipulated into being a spark when she was in fact a fire of such power she could reduce the entire kingdom to ash if she let herself go.

But the most painful thing he made her see, and admit out loud, was that it all happened with her permission. The hardest thing he made her realize was that she had the power to change her entire life at any time she chose. She had only to make it so.

It made her ashamed…and afraid…and hopeful…and strong.

So she gave it much thought, and pondered it deeply in her heart, and finally stood. She turned to the King, who could not see her, and bid him goodbye. She turned her back on the people who were not hers, and the home she didn’t have, and the dreams that lay in rotted piles.

She turned to the dragon and asked him his name. He bowed his head, slightly, and growled out “Rogue”. She laughed at the appropriateness of that and stroked his face in love and gratitude for the pain he’d caused.

Because she wouldn’t have freed herself without the pain and the harshness of his questions. She would have trudged along in an unutterably defeated life. So she owed him for the pain that set her free.

“How can I repay you?”, she whispered.

“Just ask me.” he answered.

“Ask you what?” she whispered again.

“Ask me to fly you away from the life that is killing you.” He answered, his golden eyes burning.

So she looked him in the eye, and bid him do as she commanded. She hiked her skirts up, and climbed on his back, holding tightly as she leaned over and whispered in his ear…

“Take me where the broken can be beautiful”

And he did.

My Beloved


For the first time in maybe fifteen years, I will have a cleaning lady/person/housekeeper…what ever. She will probably be temporary until she finds her ‘life’ job, but it matters little to me in how I feel about her.

My best friends and I have always said that if WE had wives of our own, we wouldn’t be assholes about it. We would appreciate their hard work, the time given, the effort, the planning, the thoughtfulness, the absolute wonder of having a wonderfully clean home that frees us to enjoy our time off when we are not working. We would not be husbands to our wives per se, we would be grateful wives who had wives.

We would give them their hard earned money with a loving heart. We would show endless and heartfelt appreciation. We would pick up after ourselves and spend time thinking how we could make their efforts easier for them to show our gratitude and respect. We would occasionally leave extra gifts and ‘thank you’s for no apparent reason. We would give them lavish, incomparable presents for their birthdays and Christmas.

We would always speak kindly to and of them. Harsh and inconsiderate words would never pass our lips in regards to them. They would feel so valued and honored by us that they would never consider leaving us to become a ‘wife’ to someone else at our expense.

Yes, I will do my daily duties to not impede her from doing what I ask of her. I will keep up on my personal responsibilities of dishes, laundry, the daily sweeps and wipes that must occur. Her efforts will free me to come home grateful, and enjoy my off time -guilt and aggravation free.

I will no longer spend entire days off and/or weekends cleaning the pit of doom that I had no energy left for after the work day. Therefore, she will be saving me from certain prison time in payment for lighting my spouse on fire and putting him out with an ice pick. Possibly I exaggerate my resentments, but I think not.

OMG, you say? Why not just tell him to pull his weight as a partner, you say? Can you not deal with this like an adult?

Laugh. Out. Loud.

After years of resentment and blame, I spoke as clearly as God spoke to Moses from a burning bush. I spoke like a man-straightforward with no way to be misunderstood. I said I was tired of carrying the whole load, that if he were a roommate I would have evicted him by now, that something was going to change either with his efforts or without. After six weeks of no difference in cleaning/partnership behavior, I was looking for the lighter fluid and realized what I had to do. I texted him immediately as he was out entertaining himself that fine weekend day, to let him know I was going to get estimates and hire a housekeeper to eliminate my anger over this never-ending situation.

So here I am. Anxiously waiting the honeymoon of my first cleaning. I am happy she’s coming, I’m anxious that she not feel overworked. I will guard her with my life-so help me God.

I have to wonder at the ego of a human being expecting these wonderous things from another human being while behaving like  an inconsiderate ass hat. What great thing do you bring to the relationship table, I ask? What is it that you give of yourself that has such value that no real effort or input is required from you at all?

And of myself, I ask this question: why did I decide to marry as opposed to hiring out as a housekeeper?

I misunderstood the path to becoming The Beloved.

My Bad.

Monsters


No matter what you were told as a small child, there are monsters in the closet, under the bed, at work, and sometimes even in your own family. I would guess the one’s that show up as family are the most painful, because your heart is invested there initially.

Monsters are created from misery, unresolved issues, trauma, and a dash of mean-spirited personality thrown in for good measure. Instead of bettering their situation, or resolving their issues, they “balance the scales” in their minds by tearing down (or at) what is good, bright, and inspiring about another so that they don’t look so monstrous in comparison.

When they take on more than they can handle, they curse you for your boundaries. If they don’t care for themselves physically or mentally, and you do~they call you selfish. They pepper you with phone calls and texts of whining and complaining. They stalk you with criticism, and suffocate you with pessimism. They are emotional vampires.

This being said, garlic and crosses blessed with holy water will do you no good at all. Fighting and arguing are fruitless. Monsters cannot hear the voice of reason or logic. There is only one thing to do with a monster…

You reach into the shadows and yank it out into the light. You look that monster in the eye and say. “No more. You are a hot mess and you need to get a grip or serious counselling.” Then you walk away. You ignore those crazy calls, the whiny texts, the rumor drama, the ridiculous drive-by, and you leave them to boil in the soup of their own making.

The only thing that can reign a monster in, and sometimes even transform them into the loving happy people they were created to be is the ability to see clearly what they have turned themselves into. That gives them a choice. We all get to choose whether to be a master or a monster. Sometimes we have a monster moment, and we call it out and move on. Some people latch on, hug it tight, feed it Wheaties and let it run.

Stay away from those people.

In the meantime, remember these helpful points:

1. Don’t play with monsters, you cannot win, you’re wasting time.

2. Don’t explain yourself. They don’t care. You lose.

3. Don’t excuse their behavior, they’ve got it covered.

4. When they say they’re sorry. No they aren’t. It’s a con.

If you’re lucky, and you see sustainable transformation from monster to decency, over a proven period of time (whatever that may be) then feel free to welcome them back with open arms if you so desire. Otherwise, carry on with your happy self, and send positive energy from afar.

Honor yourself, and your space. Hate and discontent are contagious, and not ready to open to love and joy.

You’ve got this~go forth.

 

It’s Not Okay


This is a reality check. Take a moment and look at your closest relationships. It doesn’t matter whether it’s looking at your behavior and treatment of others, or theirs towards you, or both. Just take a good, honest look. I’m referring to your long haul relationships, the ones that have existed for long enough that it seems to be okay to dump hard on them on a daily basis.

A relationship of any kind is meant to be a partnership, an exchange of energies that strengthen both, a motivation for growth and prosperity for both parties, not for one at the expense of the other. My favorite example is marriage, although friendships run a close second. In christian vows, the pledge is that two become one, not one become the other, with the weaker party disappearing into the atmosphere.

This particular event requires growing some self-love, and a spine. It really is easier to let the arrogant, selfish, and demanding turn you into a victim. It’s easier than fighting it constantly. It is also a misery, a mistake, and a piss poor excuse for a life. Tell the truth now, it may be easier, but you don’t like it. If you do, that’s a different blog, for another day.

Yeah, yeah, they’ve got so much potential. They were raised that way, if you just do this, or act that way, well the evil spell would be lifted and you would ride away together on the white horse of…total bullshit. Don’t perpetuate, or enable. Don’t paralyze yourself into a silent, closed-hearted, unforgiving and judgmental way of existing.

The truth is, sometimes we try to stay in relationships that should not have become what we allow them to be. That painful marriage would’ve been a great friendship if left alone, or what was meant as a learning growing dating relationship was forced into something more than both parties were capable of maintaining. Sometimes, by forcing what we think our future should look like, we turn a learning experience into the torture chamber from hell. Truth is, some people shouldn’t get married. They are happy living for themselves, taking care of themselves, making decisions for themselves, and don’t have the makeup to perform as a team, or couple. Nothing wrong with that, until they decide to couple up.

God help us. Then you’ve got a really nice person, not capable of putting someone else first, and causing misery and trauma to another. On the other side of that is the love sick nurturer thinking that if they do enough, or give enough, or try hard enough, the solitary one will magically transform into the sharing, giving, person of their dreams. Wrong on both sides.

What we have here is two wonderful people destroying each other by inches. They should not have paired themselves. Bad match, not bad people. Unfortunately we’ve been raised (most of us) that such relationships are forever, and we lock ourselves into the pain of two people never being what the other wishes they were, or needs them to be. So when somebody has to be the bad guy (or gal) both parties lose~because it’s a lie.

Falling in love is just the doorway. At some point in time, all of us make it to the doorway with someone. A true loving relationship means going in, going deeper, mutual  courtesy, respect, trust and commitment to working out the kinks as they come up. A lot of people don’t have the courage; the spine, to work through problems so they can be released. Some just don’t care enough about another to do so. Both views of thought are a death knell for a growing relationship of future value.

Sadly we also have so many long term relationships that cause a person to say to themselves, “Woe is me, I’ve been crapped on for years, this is all there is, it’s too late to fix, or start fresh, I’m too old now, I don’t want to be alone, who will take care of me…”. Seriously.

I guess I’m aggravated at all of us. Well, okay, the majority of us, since I do know of people who are matched well, or have made themselves be an excellent match for each other. The point is, life is too short to be less than you are, no matter who you are.

It is not okay to use the force of your personality and desires to obliterate another’s ability to be who they are, and it’s not okay to accept a life you were absolutely not created to live. Hello. We are all different expressions of the same creator. What if there were only one song played over and over every day? One food to eat, one painting to look at, and sigh? What if we all looked the same, did the same job, held the same opinion?

That’s hell, right there. So all of us need to honor and respect the unique expression each of us brings to the table. Not mock, or belittle, or try to erase. Sometimes that means you can build something strong with someone, sometimes it means letting go~so both can bloom.

And that is all I have to say about that.

Beloved Family


I create my own family. I don’t know when this began exactly, nor does it matter, but every so often I find someone (or the universe places us just so) who I need to bring into my heart. I have a radar for those people who have been waiting for me to adopt them so we can save each other, just a little bit, from the smacks in life. There is really no rhyme or reason to it, I mostly imagine two souls recognizing each other and clicking together like little magnets that have just been searching for the right moment to complete the connection and then continue to grow together.

Now, I must admit, I have made the mistake before of recognizing a heart that has been sadly lacking in attention, and respect and proceeding to forcibly adopt someone who was not at all wanting to be loved on. Lol, I laugh only at myself and my exuberance. I can be an overwhelming force when I feel called, and not all people want to be saved, or feel they need to, from a lack of affection or respect. I see what I see, and I act accordingly, but sometimes I have to tell myself that people grow at their own speed, and their needs and openness to love change as they do.

I hope not to be misunderstood in this~I don’t think I’m any great anything to help the world at all. But I do what I do, and I am what I am, and I’ve learned not to apologize for it. I recognize who belongs to me, belongs in my life, and belongs in my heart. It can be less than five minutes in their company and they become mine. Part of my family, part of my heart, and part of my life. Even if I see them rarely, or don’t get to spend the time I want with them, I will defend them and support them in any way I can because they belong to me. And yes, I will tell you up front, my love is blind and it is proud I am of it. They are mine through their weaknesses, their struggles, and their glories~it matters little to me. I am proud of them through it all.

I am not invincible, there are the very few who have smacked me back enough, or prefer to keep such distance that I either can’t get through, or quit trying out of respect for their need of what they have. It hurts me, and goes against my natural behavior to honor that, but I am no longer willing to be foolish or miserable at what I consider my failures to connect.

Even with spouses, (especially?) it can be most difficult to maintain or grow common ground when they are wrapped up in their own preferences of behavior, but that is for another blog, at a later date.

With all of this in mind, I express gratitude to the universe for the family I was given at birth, and the family I have collected for myself. You know who you are, willing or otherwise lol. I am grateful. Amen.

 

Heart of Stone


This last year or so has been an epic quest for me to find my heart. My adventure started in a dull and dimly lit place, where no one could hurt my feelings or ego, because I didn’t care enough to be hurt. No one could ever stomp on my dreams, because I packed them away, and rendered them unimportant . It was a safe, colorless, monotonous place of emotional paralysis. For a lot of years, I preferred it that way.

On the flip side of that, when I wasn’t busy not caring about life, I was borderline rage/confrontational. I wasn’t going to take any crap off of anyone.

I’m not sure exactly when I realized that I couldn’t feel anything wonderful either. I couldn’t turn off the painful stuff if I wanted to feel the good, and I couldn’t feel any quality of emotion when I was shut down to protect myself.

What a dilemma, and how exhausting it was. I finally became fed up with being unhappy about my little diatribes, and my attitudes, so I began to give myself instruction toward peaceful living.

Please understand that when I first stepped out of my dimly lit and lifeless room of monotony, I had no clue how to move toward peace. I only knew I had to find it. Somewhere out in the great unknown.

I began by acting peaceful. This first step was awesome for the rest of the world, but for me, not so much. There were many times I was certain that I would implode from the pressure of my self-control holding in my anger, or explode from my failure to do so. I read, studied, read, studied, meditated, yoga, read.

I became my own patchwork guru of survival and thrival (I know, I did just make up a word). I didn’t want to LOOK peaceful, or ACT peaceful. I realized at some point I needed to BE  peace, and it was buried beneath all this ridiculous garbage of life I carry with me every day. I mean, it IS my garbage, so why would I just dump it?

I found a yoga teacher, who became a sister/friend to me. I was able to say to another human being how hard and locked up I felt inside, that I felt I needed to bust my heart open. The constriction of it was no longer acceptable to me. I wanted to be the me I vaguely remembered who was unafraid of joy, or risk, or honesty of emotion. The fearless girl. Mendy was amazing. I really don’t know how she came to be my gift at that time, because I didn’t have anyone I felt safe enough to be honest with about what I dreamed or wanted. I felt and heard her genuine acceptance and belief in me and what I would achieve, and it has given me confidence to continue on.

I have learned to decide, when I become angry, whether to address the cause at the time~or accept it’s not worth my attention and let it go. I’ve learned to expect to be treated differently, that I get to decide who I am and what I do. Absolutely no one else has that power or authority over me. I’ve learned people are the most important thing, and that I am one of them. I’ve learned to be kind to me, to listen to my intuition, to hug my inner brat for wanting to lop off heads and just let it go. Let it go.

I am learning that my excitement doesn’t need to be contained or watered down so people are comfortable with it. Isn’t that what led me to my locked up sad place? Yes it is. I can be brave and try things other people won’t. I can be fearless and give up things that no longer serve me. I can dream as big as I want and know that what the Universe has for me is even bigger than what I can imagine for myself. I don’t have to stay where I am and be who I’ve been. I can keep changing every day until I run out of days, and I’m excited to see what version of me I’ll become next.

I am softening my heart, doing the work to open up to life so I may actually live it. I will open my heart, unafraid, so I have the ability and the desire to love my family and friends, and be involved in a community of like-minded individuals because we’re really all a part of each other anyway.

I will be strong enough within me, to accept you as you, and not the potential clone of  me that I want to turn you into. I won’t change myself, I’ll just uncover me by dumping my garbage where it belongs, and admiring you for doing the same when you’re ready.

Let’s crack it wide open, let the Light in.

What Does Not Kill…


Today made yesterday look like a trip to the Enchanted Kingdom. Yesterday was such a steady ongoing call to the Dark Side that by bedtime I felt like a champ for maintaining good behavior. Little did I know what was in store for me today. Today was a balls out challenge to everything my ego ever supported.  I was in a situation at work that so insulted me that in a flash of a moment, all the mean, righteous “smack down” I ever worked so hard to dissolve, rose up in a heartbeat like a great monster tsunami to gleefully obliterate the irritating fly in my ointment.

For a moment, I could actually feel the victory of leaving this person boiling in the humiliation I was so ready to drown them in. Seriously. Did you actually read the last three sentences I just wrote? Not only did I really write them, but today for several critical moments, I meant them with my whole being.

Once upon a time, I wouldn’t  have given any of this a second thought. But this is not a fairy tale, or an episode of Dexter. This is my constantly (I hope) evolving self, who at the moment of critical fail, chose not to use my well-known weapons of mass destruction. Fearing my lack of ability to speak with any kindness or wisdom at all, I put myself on momentary lock-down until my potential “begging to be a victim” escaped with his dignity intact.

I cannot express adequately the difficulty of this feat. My unfortunately legendary and much feared head-lopping abilities were appalled at being held back, and my ego begged to set things more than right. My mind kept telling me that letting this person get away with such a professional atrocity was not good for man-kind. Sometimes it is very important to smite someone most severely to teach them how not to behave. Seriously again. Can we re-read this paragraph?

I did the right and kind thing. Everyone lived happily ever after. Okay maybe not yet, but tomorrow after I calmly and kindly ensure that it is understood what will and will not be acceptable in the future, I will at least be at peace without losing the progress of my heart. But I will admit to you that IT IS KILLING ME. But that’s just the old ego talking.

What does not kill me, makes me strong. What does not kill me, makes me strong…

Pray for me. A lot. Thanks.

Back to the Dark Side


Today started out wonderfully, I woke up early enough to begin my first of 21 consistent mornings of yoga before meditation.

Those were the two wonderful things. The rest of this day has been a bit of a struggle with familiar irritations, and reactions. My ego saying “yeah, I’m right, and I will obliterate you with it!”. I wrestled with these things, but as of this moment haven’t allowed my feelings to negatively affect my behavior. I’m pretty black and blue on the inside though. Ha, ha?

Health insurance rates doubling for my people at work, a variety of ridiculous crap to address  after taking a day off Friday, a rare headache, some personal sadness with co-workers, and then the super effort required to keep myself in line when I perceive  repeated attempts of others to brow beat, manipulate and control people I love. I am doing my level best to change my perception to “repeated cries for love, attention, and self-esteem boost”.

I’m not there yet. But I am behaving as if I am so I don’t have to regret anything I put into play before I gain some truth and settle back into my heart.

Everybody has the occasional off day, but it feels like a hair shirt to me after a long stretch of balance. Tomorrow is a new day, and I can forgive myself for my insides without having to apologize for my behavior outside. This will be a red-letter event for sure.

I used to think (and sometimes still do) that it takes stepping up in the face of, the courage to confront, willingness to wield the mighty sword of justice to kick butt and take names to truly be a person of strength.

Now I know how much strength it takes to stand firm, speak the truth with dignity and grace, and be willing to be kind and forgiving to myself and others.  Unfortunately for me today, I have a lifetime of the last paragraph, and these new perceptions are brand new. So quite honestly, I have seriously pulled muscles withholding that which I must not bestow on others.

I am building my character, and it is painful pulling back from the Dark Side, but it is worth it. It will be. Tomorrow.

 

Not So Fairy Tale


Today was awesome. I leapt out of my bed in a  single bound.  I listened to the problems of the United States, and in fact, the entire world while drinking a cup of coffee and not saying a word to protect myself. I held off great forces of negativity while still in my jammies, and evaded certain doom by escaping to the bathroom to clean up and don my super hero outfit before venturing out to confront the great Dragon of Baditude.  With great and powerful skill, I took the fire spewing from the dragon, formed it into a flaming sword and slew the Baditude-leaving only the dragon behind. Then I went shopping. It was an awesome day.

The End

Well, not really.  This is just a powerful victory story to someone who handles controversy by either not dealing at all, or by finally exploding into anger after holding it in for a LONG time. I can tell you that neither of these methods solve any problem, or facilitate positive communication. If you are familiar with these two methods of  “non-solving by avoidance or over reaction” (this is a very technical term I just made up), you will notice that you keep coming face to face with the same problem. Yes, you do. Usually over and over, just maybe wearing a different hat.

When you become aware of doing this, and you accept your part in the endless “groundhog day” in your relationships, you can choose to allow yourself a spine. One of the things I learned with my interaction with the Handel Group is that the very thing you do not talk about because you fear it will be the end of your relationship~is exactly what will be the death of it, if it remains unsaid.

Speaking the truth of how you feel with strength and grace is absolutely not the same as screaming it in a fit of angry retribution for an injury to the heart. Even if you use the exact words. It’s like a horrible sword fight, only instead of limbs being lost, it’s respect, and love, and hope, and trust.

Changing the way you communicate with the people in your story can start with the small things, and as your spine and heart and self-esteem grow stronger, you can take on bigger challenges with confidence.  You must beware the dangers that await you though, the usual “make you feel stupid” ploy, or someone using the “nut-job” phrase, or the even more popular “you’re the one with the problem” strategy. There are all sorts of avoidance tools and methods that have worked for years that will be brought forth as usual. If you do not engage, and you have your cloak of invincibility on, by remaining calm and non confrontational, you can leave the field having truly expressed yourself with respect, hope, love and trust intact (at least for the time being).

It is not easy at first. Maybe it never will be. What it is~is worth it. You’ll see the first time you actually resolve the first tiny little (20 year-long) relational issue. You will find you have super powers. You will face the dragon each time, knowing that you and the dragon will win by your doing so.

The most key thing to remember here is that you must be this same super hero when you are the one at fault on an issue. You must accept responsibility for your part, your behaviors, your tone, your careless wandering into a sensitive area that hurts another, or makes them defensive.  Heroes and Sheroes aren’t perfect, they are just growing and learning. So don’t be an ass about what you’ve taught yourself, be grateful for it, and kind, and forgiving. That which you would have another do for you.

Lastly, I leave you with the cloak of invincibility~pray, meditate, and know your heart so you can share it well. Only those who know their own infinite worth have the ability to wear the cloak, so begin by learning to hold yourself in high esteem so that you can teach the dragon how to do the same.

The End (really this time)

Mommie Dearest


The one thing I have always been sure of, beyond any doubt, is that I would be a wonderful mother. I knew I would do everything in my power to give my son unconditional love, trust, faith in his ability to find his way, support in his dreams, belief in his ability to achieve whatever his goal, and a safe place to rest his heart. Always.

While I believe I did the very best I knew how, with the knowledge I had at any given moment, I have come to that moment when I’ve learned too much. I know what I could have been, and done, and shared,  with more heart and wisdom. It is a humbling place, and it could be a heart-breaking place if I let it.

I would have given more support to who he was becoming instead of who we, as parents, thought he should be. I would have honored his spine more and worked to protect him less from those who had different ideas of who he should “become”. I would have gone to Wal-mart and picked up a spine for myself, adding mine to the strength growing in his. I would have encouraged the lean towards guitar, and art, and skiing, and a mohawk. I probably couldn’t have stopped trying to dress him in color, but I digress, that is just me.

I have discovered an interest in a class called “Parenting By Design”, a 4 week tele-seminar being taught by Elena Brower on behalf of the Handel Group. I have thus far stopped myself from signing up because my son is an adult now, fairly recently out of the USMC after a short trip to Afghanistan.  But I am still a parent, a mother, striving to be an example of how to communicate, solve relationship issues, love unconditionally, forgive the same way, accept each person as they are without the pressure of expectations from others. To diffuse my rage and anger at the world for his disappointment and disillusionment. To stop myself from the horrible pressure of fixing what I “see” is wrong for him, because IT IS NOT MINE TO FIX.  And it may just not be wrong at all for him at this time in his growth.

I thought I only wanted him to be happy. But I’m starting to realize that I want HIM to want to be happy, to find that within him, to seek peace for himself. I am beginning to understand that he will not get what he deserves in life until he thinks he deserves it, and that for me to want him to be happy for my sake is very selfish indeed, not to mention impossible.

So I am sitting here tonight, thinking that since I am still his parent, his Momma, what does that mean for me now? Do I still want to be an example of what unconditional love looks like? Yes.  Should I be an example of respectful communication, and honoring boundaries? Yes.  Should I embody forgiveness as a strength and freedom? Yes. Am I capable of showing him that joy comes from within? I’m working on that.

I’m leaning towards a helping hand from Elena’s seminar  so that I can grow up to be a really awesome Momma, a person capable of changing a heritage of guilt and obligation to a legacy of love and growth. I’m leaning so far, I’m about to fall over. And I REFUSE to believe it is ever to late to change the legacy I pass on to the next generation. Starting with one, no matter how old he is.