Shadow Heart


This is a shadow day. A day of dark reflection reminding me that nothing remains the same, so  I must evolve into my light, or sink back into my shadow. There is no middle ground. I accept that every day may be a gift, but not all will be easy. I will always wish, in those moments when life is at its brightest and so am I, that I can hold onto the magic. During days like today, I know it really is up to me to either stay in the shadows, or bring myself into the light again, but I have to remind myself. It isn’t so easily rendered on a day like today.

I know that I determine my attitude, yet today I struggle with misery. There is a strong part of me that wants to force things to be, instead of let them unfold. I have to trust that my perfect opportunities are being brought to me, and will arrive at just the right time. I don’t want to carelessly damage the plans for me that are greater than any I can conceive of for myself. I trust  the Creator of all things, just as I trust in my next breath, my next heartbeat,  and my body  working to heal itself. The seasons change without effort, the sun rises, flowers bloom and the earth rotates without any help from me, who am I not to trust in the flawless creation of my life?

So I am telling myself tonight that the shadow I am today is merely a sign of the brilliant light I’m standing in, because without the light I long to flood the world with, I would never see the shadow.

Shadows are proof of Light. Proof of Life, and Hope, and Love.

And so it is.

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Breaking the Chains


Time is a factory

where everyone slaves away

earning enough love

to break their own chains.

~Hafiz

 

The funny/sad part of this is~the love we are working so hard to earn is our own. The respect we want is self-respect. The eyes we want so badly to smile at us, are our own. We want to be proud of us, to know that when all else fails, the love and integrity we are will carry us. We will be victorious, we will break our own chains.

The other funny/sad part of this is~we put ourselves in the chains we need freed from. We are the ones who set the limits on our achievements, dreams, and willingness to take risks. We are the ones that said, “NO! Do what you should, not what you desire.  Be responsible, punch the clock, take the crap, do the duties, dim the light, don’t be ridiculous, foolish, stupid, wrong.”  We did that to us, no one else even helped until we gave them permission, WHICH WE DID!

I can be who ever I want, and do what ever I want. So can you. I can be a writer, poet, healer, teacher of meditation, mother, wife, daughter, friend. I can be and do all of these things. I can be a chaser of dreams, a healer of hearts, a lover of beauty, a sharer of joy. I can be a guide to the heart, and an example of how to know if you have one to find! You can’t stop me, nobody can, except me.

We live so small, think so small, dream so small. When we begin to transform ourselves by asking the first questions of who am I? and what do I want? we step into a power so astounding that many step back out quickly and consider themselves lucky. I’m more like the character in Pleasantville who refused to give up the color she was starting to see in her gray tone world. I’m with you sister, I like living in color and I’m not going back.

Witness Your Life


I learned a new word in this morning’s meditation. Recapitulation. I was like “what??”, but then it was defined , and my “deer in the headlights” look  went away so I could carry on with my journey. I do come to my altar every morning with an open mind, but I have moments where I think I may not get what I need when I open my heart. Isn’t that silly after all I’ve learned so far? I guess I will always have moments when I slip too easily into convenient habits of thinking that perpetuate weak living. May they be few and far between.

So I recapitulated my morning from the time I woke up to the moment I sat down to meditate. I hadn’t been up very long, so in a few minutes I was able to picture myself and everything I did without judging. Such a simple practice taught me something~I wasted most of my time dealing with the results of my behavior the night before! That’s not what I need at all! I picked up, put away, finished and trashed as was needed. No, no, no.

I understand that recapitulation is what we should do right before we sleep. A quick five minute run-through of our day so we can decide if that’s what we choose to keep doing, or to choose another way that better serves us. In my case, a two minute mental visual of an hour of my day taught me that I needed to re-evaluate my focus and put a new plan into play.

Being a Silent Witness to my behavior uncovered the sorry fact that I am handicapping myself. I am not serving myself well, or giving myself what I need to be at my highest potential for the day.

Because I’m a fledgling, a lotus just beginning to rise to the sun, I really need all the help I can give myself at any given moment. Mornings are critical to me~I cannot allow myself to sabotage them, and therefore the rest of my day.

I want my every morning to fuel my heart; to carry me through my day with grace. My mornings need to do for  me what the sunrise does to beautify  the morning sky, and revive and rejuvenate me like the breath of God breezes through the leaves on the trees.

That may sound like a tall order, but it’s not. I can make that happen. I just have to do it on purpose. It seems to me that the greatest lessons in meditation are to be aware of  NOW, calmly look around and evaluate what works and what doesn’t, and live my life on purpose. This makes sense to me, since I have always felt that I was an accident or incident waiting to happen, at the mercy of powers beyond my control. There are so many things, most things, that are out of my control, but I don’t have to be. I do have the ability to be who I am, react how I choose, and plan according to my priorities. Learning to review my day before I sleep is an excellent tool to do that, so I’m excited to see where I go from here.

This practice is where I’ll find my time for morning yoga, and more time for meditation, and the quiet drinking of my tea with my pups laying beside me as I sit on the porch watching the sun rise, and the flowers bloom, and the breezes blow.

May all who read this choose to live your moments in ways that truly matter to you!

Small Things With Great Love


My 24-year-old baby son stayed with us last night, and I found myself naturally doing all sorts of things that filled my heart and made me smile. We spent a lot of time talking about many things, some important, some not so much, we shared pizza for supper, and I smiled as he and his dad talked of important manly matters (lol). I played with my grand puppy Elli and I went to bed happy in the knowledge that I’d see him at his grandparent’s house the next day when I followed them out to the property where they were going to hunt together.

The next morning they were already gone, and I was in the small laundry room doing his laundry~smiling as I folded laundry for him and my soon to be dotter in law, and I realized something very important. So much so that I stopped for a moment to latch onto the thought before it got away from me. I had spent the past day doing chores that I normally would resent a little, maybe mutter under my breath (okay, or louder than that) and tell myself that someone else should be pulling some weight, by God, I’m not a servant am I? But because it was for my baby boi it was a pleasure to me, a joy even, because I was doing it out of a great love.

So what would it look like if everything I did, no matter how small, was out of great love?  What if I turned my house work into heart work? What if I was present for every tiny thing I did, for myself and everyone else, so that I could CHOOSE to do each thing from a heart of great love? Yes, yes, I know there are  quotes about this since the beginning of time, but you know as well as I do that we can learn a million things, but if we don’t absorb, practice, and apply them then the learning is wasted.

The point is, I felt this lesson. I see clearly that I must slow down enough to do this great love in action, I must quit flinging myself through my “duties” in a mindless, tedious thought pattern. Not only will the work I do in love bless MY heart and life, it will bless the recipients of my efforts.

Not so long ago, I was eating lunch I’d purchased from the deli of my favorite health food/organic coop Bloomingfoods, and as I read the ingredients in my tempeh rooster salad I was dumbfounded by the last ingredient listed. Love. I swear that’s what it said! And I thought to myself “Self, you should eat this everyday, because someone back there cared to send love with this lunch!”. Pretty amazing huh? My favorite scent to wear, GIVE scent also states it’s made with love (and yes I believe her) and I am totally loyal to that product also (plus it smells amazing lol).

My mission, and I choose to accept it, is to slow down just enough to experience my moments no matter what I’m doing in them, and do each thing with great love. Now maybe I won’t ever be able to do it with the exact love of this momma for her only begotten son, but I will give it all I’ve got Captain!! And I am willing to bet that everyone in my world will notice the difference! Any takers?

Happy Thanksgiving!!  ❤