My Beloved

For the first time in maybe fifteen years, I will have a cleaning lady/person/housekeeper…what ever. She will probably be temporary until she finds her ‘life’ job, but it matters little to me in how I feel about her.

My best friends and I have always said that if WE had wives of our own, we wouldn’t be assholes about it. We would appreciate their hard work, the time given, the effort, the planning, the thoughtfulness, the absolute wonder of having a wonderfully clean home that frees us to enjoy our time off when we are not working. We would not be husbands to our wives per se, we would be grateful wives who had wives.

We would give them their hard earned money with a loving heart. We would show endless and heartfelt appreciation. We would pick up after ourselves and spend time thinking how we could make their efforts easier for them to show our gratitude and respect. We would occasionally leave extra gifts and ‘thank you’s for no apparent reason. We would give them lavish, incomparable presents for their birthdays and Christmas.

We would always speak kindly to and of them. Harsh and inconsiderate words would never pass our lips in regards to them. They would feel so valued and honored by us that they would never consider leaving us to become a ‘wife’ to someone else at our expense.

Yes, I will do my daily duties to not impede her from doing what I ask of her. I will keep up on my personal responsibilities of dishes, laundry, the daily sweeps and wipes that must occur. Her efforts will free me to come home grateful, and enjoy my off time -guilt and aggravation free.

I will no longer spend entire days off and/or weekends cleaning the pit of doom that I had no energy left for after the work day. Therefore, she will be saving me from certain prison time in payment for lighting my spouse on fire and putting him out with an ice pick. Possibly I exaggerate my resentments, but I think not.

OMG, you say? Why not just tell him to pull his weight as a partner, you say? Can you not deal with this like an adult?

Laugh. Out. Loud.

After years of resentment and blame, I spoke as clearly as God spoke to Moses from a burning bush. I spoke like a man-straightforward with no way to be misunderstood. I said I was tired of carrying the whole load, that if he were a roommate I would have evicted him by now, that something was going to change either with his efforts or without. After six weeks of no difference in cleaning/partnership behavior, I was looking for the lighter fluid and realized what I had to do. I texted him immediately as he was out entertaining himself that fine weekend day, to let him know I was going to get estimates and hire a housekeeper to eliminate my anger over this never-ending situation.

So here I am. Anxiously waiting the honeymoon of my first cleaning. I am happy she’s coming, I’m anxious that she not feel overworked. I will guard her with my life-so help me God.

I have to wonder at the ego of a human being expecting these wonderous things from another human being while behaving like  an inconsiderate ass hat. What great thing do you bring to the relationship table, I ask? What is it that you give of yourself that has such value that no real effort or input is required from you at all?

And of myself, I ask this question: why did I decide to marry as opposed to hiring out as a housekeeper?

I misunderstood the path to becoming The Beloved.

My Bad.


It’s the most horrifying and wonderful truth you’ll ever learn.  It will terrify you with happiness. It’s intimidating power comes with great responsibility, and once you uncover it…baby you own it, no coming back from that. You will alternately fling your arms open to the universe in joyous abandon, and cower behind your own shadows paralyzed by the possibilities.

You opened your eyes today, and realized that every situation and experience you hold onto as truth in your life (yes, everything) was of your own doing. You created and fine tuned the circumstances you were presented with and made them into what they are today. You let the outside world determine the fate of the One with the power to create miracles or mayhem, castles or curses, magic or misery. Yes. That would be you.

You didn’t learn this on purpose, but you can’t un-know what you know.

You were doing quite well blaming your parents, your work, your spouse, your God…for your miseries, disappointments, missed opportunities, and heartbreak. But you inadvertently took a bite of that apple and uncovered the power of You.

WTF?? You rise up from the pile of shit you’ve been feeding yourself, lift your beautiful hands in front of your face and whisper to yourself and the universe…

“What if, instead, I use my power for good? What if I use this magic in my heart, and this steel in my spine to magnify my life instead of minimizing…me?”

The heavens and earth tremble at the prospect of you living in your power. Your own heart quivers and your own breath falters at the limitless capacity for wonder. You begin to take offense at the old self-whispers that tell you to maintain the status quo, don’t be so arrogant as to share yourself and your gifts with the world. Now when you hear them, you crush them beneath your feet and banish what’s left with a flick of your fingers.

No more you~ shit talking you. You show yourself who’s boss, who rules your world, whose light you follow in a doubt storm.

Gut up kid, it’s You. The Divine light of creation expressing itself as one of a kind you, and you’ve kept who you are in the attic, in the dark, collecting mold and cobwebs? It’s criminal.

Luckily~you’ve just discovered your super powers, and can now right all wrongs, set fire to your dreams, dust all the pathetic off of you and raise a few things…hell, eyebrows, hope?

Lift your beautiful hands, your tear-stained face, and open your eyes.

You are Supernatural.

Live. Your. Life.

Hungry Ghosts

In Buddhism there is a phrase I love~hungry ghosts. This is the term for those with big empty bellies and small narrow throats who are starving for nourishment but can’t take in enough to satisfy their raging hunger. They are incapable of taking in all that is there for them until they can open enough to receive.

This is a common problem today for most of us. Wanting love, respect, affection. Having the desire to be truly seen by another, truly heard. But being incapable of receiving all that is there for us because we are hard of heart, and narrow of mind. We feel we must protect ourselves from hurt, disrespect, or injury so we close off and shut down. Our hearts become narrow and hard due to our cynicism and all we want is locked away from us, by our own behaviors and choices.

It is so easy to keep ourselves “safe”, and so damned sad that we feel we have to. We train ourselves to become cowards, unwilling to take any risks, or give any opening to softness. We have become our own prisoners of war, with no one to wear bracelets in our memory until we release ourselves.

The amazing thing is this: when we open our hearts and step out, those we feared would hurt us in some way are cowering there in their own prison of safety, looking at us in hope and wonder that they too might be able to unlock their hearts and step into life. We can be, by example, the saviors of the souls we protected ourselves from so unnecessarily.  And if they still fear, and throw rocks through the bars, we can give them our compassion and understanding until they are ready to breathe the fresh air of possibility.

And then, with a heart wide open, we can take in all the love that is here for us, and thrive.