My perception of things right now is odd and fascinating to me. I’m not used to not worrying. I no longer need to know the outcome of something before I give it a try. I have no desire to pretend interest where I have none, or allow myself to be led down a side path for the diversion of it when it’s clearly not good for me to do so.
I’m not used to feeling this way, of being rock solid at the roots and flexible in the storms of whatever life blows by me. I don’t have to figure everything out today. I don’t need or want all the answers right now, because what would I have to look forward to then? I don’t have to fix myself or anyone else. There’s nothing I need that I don’t have, and nothing wrong that living won’t fix as it rolls along.
I’m totally good with letting things filter in through the massive cracks I’ve got in my resistance to just living day to day. New opportunities, happy moments, fresh ideas, the beauty of not knowing what could come next. All the new sifting through pushes out the shit I’ve been holding onto for so long. What a relief it is to let it go.
It’s interesting how very little around me has changed, yet I find myself in an entirely different world. I like it. A lot. Circumstances that used to infuriate or devastate me are over so quickly now. I just fix my part of it where possible and drop the rest like hot rocks. And I don’t pick them back up.
The cracks in my walls are getting bigger. Sometimes I face plant into a tough situation, a bad memory, or my own ego and I have to remind myself to relax, let it go and get out of my own way. Then I have to laugh at myself just a little for trying to make it harder than it has to be. I have always been excellent at doing that.
I will keep breaking it down a little every day. Widening the cracks. Allowing more good things in to push out my “usual” ways of thinking and being that aren’t of service to anyone. A friend of mine said to me recently, half joking, “You’re scaring me. I think you’re losing it”.
I hope so.