The Fixer

Today, I wobbled. I knew it would happen eventually and I know it will again. I don’t like it, but I know it’s a reminder of where I’ve been and I know it’s a clarification of where I’m going and who I’m becoming. If I told you I enjoyed experiencing or observing it today for a noble lesson for earning greater wisdom, I’d be a liar.

Today, I was faced with a situation I wanted to “fix” for someone else.

In the name of all that is holy, I promise you I recognized a lifetime of savior behavior trying to pull me in. I have done so well these past weeks at letting go of imagined control of circumstances, being grateful for exactly where I am, and respecting that everyone is responsible for where they are and what they decide to do with where ever that is.

I’ve been happy, I haven’t worried much, I spend most of my time looking for what’s right, and I know I’m going to be just fine. I know I can’t make things be okay for everyone. I know I don’t get to choose well-being for someone else. They have to decide that for themselves.

So I trembled inside while I allowed things to flow along without me.

I let the chips fall. I watched in fascinated horror as things unfolded around me that I didn’t want to hear or see. I forced myself to show respect for individual choice by keeping my mighty powers of persuasion (manipulation?) to myself. I did not allow myself to remove someone’s opportunity to learn for themselves just because my life would be happier or easier if I did so. While I wouldn’t hesitate to save someone from their death had I the power to do so…

It is not my right to save someone from life.

Who the hell did I think I was all of these years I was “saving” people? Lord knows I had to be ground up repeatedly before I learned what I kept refusing to learn. The world kept turning today. Nobody died, and no animals were injured in the making of this day I experienced. These two things will allow me to sleep sweet tonight.

I do not have the power to make anyone but me healthy, wealthy and wise.

I’ll admit (just this once) that I have previously emptied myself in all ways possible to save or benefit someone I cared for. I did not see that I perpetuated any weaknesses or behaviors that held them down. I didn’t know I was stealing their lessons from them. I inadvertently made myself happy at their expense by removing their opportunities to stand, or decide, or grow on their own.

It was misdirected love, ego and arrogance.

Who the hell did I think I was? It’s embarrassing to admit that I believed I could love anyone into wellness, productivity or sanity. Maybe it was easier to focus outwardly than it was to see myself clearly and deal with that.

I am a recovering enabler. My name is Shelly.

I am only the boss of me.


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