I woke up this morning thinking… “What’s next?”.
It made me smile as I rolled out of bed because apparently looking forward to whatever is next…is what’s next.
It seems my willingness to give up on things I used to fight for is gaining momentum and the side effect is an appreciation for new and interesting experiences that reveal themselves now that I’m not struggling for or against something every damn minute.
Working 2-3 jobs didn’t make me strong or prosperous, it made me stupid and tired. I found that having to ask for quality time or attention from anyone made the relationship irrelevant. Why try to hold anyone who isn’t holding on to me? I guess I grew weary of wrestling with life, worrying about money, wasting time trying to meet ridiculous expectations of people who don’t meet their own and finding some noble purpose to serve.
So I quit. I let go. I gave up and relaxed into what’s next.
It’s interesting what a day will offer me now that I’m present to enjoy it. I love to write (more than these little rambles) and have had the opportunities to write a couple of bios, an interview/article on someone for a website and this weekend I will write my first speech for someone addressing congress next month. I pulled my book (10 chapters so far) out of my drawer and back into progress, because I want to finish it so I know how it ends.
My life is kind of unfolding like that, and it makes me happy.
I suppose things don’t bother me like they did before because I know I have control of me no matter what happens, everything else is just a roll of the dice. When I offer who I am, life meets me there and offers up something interesting to play with, and I’m happy to do so.
I remember feeling something like this when my son was born. The exhilaration of knowing that I’d brought this amazing person into being and anything was possible for him. I knew I could offer no greater gift to the world. I knew he would astonish me with his heart and his effect on the world around him. I couldn’t wait to see his life unfold or how many lives he would change just by being and becoming all he was capable of. I feel that way now.
Only this time, it’s me.