I heard a phrase this morning that was a perfect description of where I am right now.

Do your best to live at the edge of appreciation.

I’ve weathered a lot of turbulence and at times have not handled it well. I have equally held things inside when I shouldn’t or expressed myself after jumping to conclusions when assuming I knew the facts of a matter. Both are detrimental to repair, healing and peace of mind.

I’ve been practicing a new state of mind for me with the emphasis on gratitude first, and it has truly helped me sleep better and let go of so much that I truly have no control over. I’ve learned to pause, knowing that some things are just human nature and fade to smoke in a day or two and mean nothing at all. If it still stands after a breather, I just have to air it out cleanly and let it go no matter the result.

Since I make plenty of mistakes myself, I know what it feels like when somebody loses traction for a moment. It’s easy to over-react, over-compensate and spin out. I really hate it when that happens whether I’m doing it myself or bearing witness for another. It’s awkward and a little embarrassing when we come out on the other side.

We need to relax into knowing that it’s all going to work out.

Everything cycles out. Knowing this, we need to savor the joy as we let it in and let go of the stress of our troubles as we pass through them. We need to ride the wave instead of letting it beat us half to death in our frantic bid to control our circumstances.

I’ve stressed myself sick. I’ve been so hurt and angry I couldn’t sleep. I’ve been so depressed and felt so powerless that my heart was numb. My sick, sleepless and numb self changed not a single circumstance.

Gratitude changes everything.

I can’t feel angry, depressed, numb or powerless when I’m mentally expressing gratitude. Try it yourself, you’ll see. It’s just not possible. That job you say you hate…what good things does it bring you? The loved one who hurt your feelings…what wonderful traits do they have? That horrifying lapse in judgment you had…what did you learn that was critical for your future?

I learned to quiet my heart.

I learned to feel more and love wiser. To mend instead of bash in retribution. To act when I chose as opposed to react when provoked. I give because I want to and am happy because I can be. I forgive quickly because I care about the state of my heart.

I’m not so easily provoked any longer.

Contrary to what you would think, this has made me stronger. It has given me clarity in questionable circumstances, it has allowed me to restrain my impulses and save me from the sorrow that comes from retaliation and rash behavior.

Thank the gods old and new.

The first time I heard the phrase “life happens for you, not to you” I wanted to beat somebody up. Anyone. I looked for volunteers. Fortunately no one did and I don’t have that to regret. Because I have found that to be true once all the smoke has cleared.

I have experienced much, as have we all. I have learned much. I’m giving it up.

I surrender with a grateful heart…

A quiet heart.