Who were you yesterday as you fell asleep? Who were you when you woke up this morning? Was it deja vu, an intentional choice or did you just let go and let it flow from your center? I am personally a pro at options one and two. The days I woke up heart-weary I would hit ‘repeat’ and go through the motions. The days I woke up with intention, I would force and wrestle everything inside me like a little self-dictator.
Apparently I couldn’t differentiate between self-evaluation and devaluation.
I fell into option three when I gave up.
Surrendered the results of every freaking thing.
Waved the white flag.
I woke up in my beautiful, cozy bed and before I moved a muscle I pulled everything good into me. Every little thing. I held it to me hand to heart until I knew it would stay. I heard the soft huffs of pup breathing as they popped their heads over the edge of my bed as if to say, ‘good morning’ or ‘we love you’ or ‘hey, we have to pee’. Maybe it was all three rolled into one.
I was still breathing. That meant something.
I stopped wondering what I was doing wrong, because that’s what I was doing wrong. I heard somewhere that when we realize the distance between the life we’re living and who we really are inside we expect the epiphany of it to sound like angels and harps, when it really sounds like rage.
It’s pointless and damaging to hold anger at ourselves when the simple fact is that where we are is simply where we are. It’s just a point from which we can flow forward into just being and enjoying who we are becoming as we unfold it before us.
It’s really that simple if we quit making it complicated.
If we add all the memes together, we are a dramatic chaos of emotional stardust. Please. I submit for pondering that we are to be the truth of our souls shining from these bodies we’ve been given for such a short time. We’re supposed to add who we are to the world, not drive it up the wall.
Does what we offer inspire hand-clapping or re-gifting? Do we justify or adjust frantic living? Do we remain frustrated and overwhelmed, or begin cooperating with ourselves for a change?
Life meets us where we stand, and gives us back who we show ourselves to be.
So…a chaos of emotional stardust, or a soul shining…
Boy, that’s a tough one.