Benefit Of The Doubt


The last two nights I have slept the sleep of the forgiven. I am learning to grant myself grace, to allow myself to be softer, gentler, to give myself the benefit of the doubt. I am learning that as I do this thing for me ~ it overflows onto everyone around me.

I am letting go of thinking I have to be and do everything in a red hot minute.

I’ve been hurting for a long time, lost and bewildered, angry and confused. Because of this I’d sent myself into a frenzy of righting all my wrong thinking and doing, seeking books, audios and practices to fill my heart and mind with good and positive things to bring myself to a higher level of living, a better way of being. I thought to resolve all wrongs and balance the scales so that I would never again have to wake up in the morning and wonder why.

What a crock of shit.

I don’t have to have all the answers right now. If it were possible to achieve everything I wanted to in this instant, then what? If I only focused on who I wanted to be, what happens to who I am now? If I am granted every dream immediately, what happens to my journey?

Why shouldn’t I live my life moment by moment and savor the unfolding of it?

When did I allow my life to become a rat race? When did just being alive stop being fun? When did the experience of living quit being satisfying in and of itself? When did teleporting from point A to point B become more important than the leisurely drive with the wind in my hair and the sun on my face?

I. Don’t. Know.

I’m learning that what seems like a delay is actually life’s way of giving me time to experience where I am and who I’m with right now. It seems that everyone and everything has something to teach me if I’ll just slow down and open up to the possibilities offered along the way.

The softer I am with me, the softer I am with others. I am less critical of us all, I enjoy us more, I am kinder to us, I am more accepting of our flaws and I love us in a sweeter way.

I am less of a hard-ass and more comfortable in my own skin.

I see now, that if I allow it, now is enough. I understand that it’s all I’m guaranteed so I might as well get with the program. Those I thought were special are common. Those I thought were common are special. We are all the same in our sameness and uniqueness that we offer up to the world. We all breathe, bleed, hurt and love. We all fall and rise.

We all love and mourn its loss.

I didn’t wake up worrying, I woke up grateful. I slept through the last few nights because I went to bed appreciating what I have and who I am. Right now. No disclaimers or fine print. I have a home, a car, a job, friends and family who love me and a shit ton of dreams to entertain me in the pursuing of them. I’ll balance the scales that need balancing as I go and all will be well. My troubles and challenges are not the boss of me.

I’m the boss of me. Nobody puts Baby in a corner…

Not even me.

 

 

 

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