Life doesn’t give up on us. We do.
Everything weakens when it’s not used enough, our hearts, our bodies, our minds and our ability to dream. I see it in myself as a kind of cowardice that grew slowly from disappointment, something that seemed to take root when I wasn’t looking and permeated my sense of worth and purpose.
I began to accept things, believe things and allow things that I shouldn’t have.
It didn’t occur to me that leaving any situation that wasn’t good for me wouldn’t save me if I didn’t first address (or at least simultaneously address) the beliefs I held that put me there to begin with. Circumstances replicated themselves over and over in my life until I finally realized I had to change…me.
Life is very firm on this.
Being as obstinate as I am, you can see how it took life knocking me on my ass for me to reconsider my position. I had to look hard at the parts of me that were hurt, numb or wasted from lack of use.
It was not a pretty picture.
I remembered being adventurous, creative, joyous and entertaining. Where the hell did that go? Where did I put it? Can I find it again? Is it worth the effort to rebuild myself if I have to start from scratch? Is it possible to love without lessening myself?
Hell yes it is.
So I have. I am. I will. I tell myself this every morning when I get up and put my too thin body through yoga to build my strength. I repeat it as I take my supplements and make a smoothie. It becomes a mantra as I go through my day and make time to engage with people I love because they’re worth it, and so am I.
It’s a litany in my heart as I sit in front of my keyboard, fingers still.
There are wonderful adventures out there waiting to be had. There are the same inside me waiting to be freed.
So my fingers at last begin to fly across the keyboard to bring my life back into existence.