Always


“Do you think you’ll ever love again?”

I get this question from time to time as a single person and it always baffles me. I didn’t quit believing in love. I didn’t quit loving. I merely moved myself to a place where I could love and not be ignored, mocked and minimized for it. That is all.

I didn’t quit loving. I can’t. I didn’t take it away from anyone. I took me away. I put me somewhere safe where I could love because that’s who I am even when it is unwanted, unappreciated or disrespected.

That’s on them, not me.

I don’t have a problem with men. I’ve only struggled with the individuals I loved who were not for me. They did not want it, or know what to do with it. They weren’t bad people, they were just not the match for me (or them) to grow into more.

Not everyone wants the same things in life and love. Some want content without the effort for more. More power to them. Some men want the flash only with the next girl, and the next and the next. Knock yourselves out, I say. Some only want the mother; “Care for me, nurture me, heal me,” and if that’s what makes you happy then you just roll with that. Some want only the drama, the chase, the excitement…we’ll see how long that works for you, mister.

I am all of these collectively and none of them totally. There are men out there with hearts and needs and standards that I can respect. We will find each other someday, I’m sure, and it will be a time of celebration.

Will I ever love again?

I’ve never stopped, I never will. It’s who I am, I carry too much of it inside me every day to doubt the reality of it. Am I quick to give it? Oh yes, easily and with joy. Am I quick to commit myself to someone? Absolutely not.

I may love whole-heartedly and still keep myself from trauma with the greatest of distances because the recipient is unable to deal. They may be too damaged, too angry, too immature to have a personal relationship, and that’s their thing. I don’t expect anyone to stick to my timetable, or my “plan” so to speak. I respect someone’s right to not love, to be safe, to protect themselves. I don’t mesh well with those people, I frighten them, and it’s hard for both of us.

So here I stand.

I have a lot of work to do on me, and I will until my last breath. That’s the way it’s supposed to be I think. We should never stop growing and becoming more. It’s what we’re here for. There are those out there with the same heart and mindset that would be a joy to spend time with, and I’m sure I’ll come across them sooner or later.

Until then, I will be happy. I will work hard to grow my life with new and beautiful experiences.  I will try, and cry, and try again. You think that makes me foolish?

I don’t care.

I will not be close-hearted. I will not conform to what you wish I would be. I will not always be silent or obedient to your will. But I will love you. I will  stand.

I will remain when others fall away because that’s the way love is.

I am not for everyone.

I am more than okay with that.

 

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