Triggering Change


I’m grateful to be reminded these past few weeks that I can direct how I allow things to change me. I’m stronger knowing that the switch inside me that triggers a permanent shift may be flipped on by circumstances, but it’s my decision how I allow that change to affect me.

Even when it’s a double sucker punch to the heart.

I’m really clear on who I am and what my boundaries are for those I keep in my life. First time ever. It’s a powerful feeling and I won’t be giving it up.

I worked my ass off to get here.

I’m blessed with a few people in my life who know me, love me as I am and celebrate all of it. Even the parts that make them shake their heads in astonished wonder. I have a handful more I love with all my heart who can only handle the Cliff’s Notes version of me and freak out, melt down or try to fix me if I show them more than they can handle.

Even when they ask for it.

I love them anyway, and maybe they’ll be strong enough to stand and be counted one of these days as someone I can allow all the way in. Time will tell I suppose.

It depends on their own work they’ve yet to do.

It’s embarrassing to look back and admit that I have always let hurtful opinions, harsh words and condescending judgments toss me around like a tiny boat in a hurricane.

Powerless.

Now I feel like the hurricane, or rather the earthquake that triggers the tsunami in my heart. A powerful force surging through my own life that uproots and washes away anything not strong enough to be a part of my present.

I’m good with that.

So I accept, with a mixture of sadness and gratitude the hits I’ve taken lately that flipped the switch. And I’m damn proud to know I’m smart enough now to show my heart how to grow from it instead of letting anger and hurt color who I am and how I live.

I don’t pretend to have answers for anyone about their lives. It’s only my heart and life I can speak for. I will respect and hold space for those doing the work in their own, because it’s hard.

But darling, it’s worth it.

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