How did I allow myself to go so long without joy? Why did I suffocate and hide myself while saying I didn’t know who I was? Poor, lost me?
I played some pretty foolish games of pretend to “blend” when I needed to be living. I cultivated distance with a numbness chaser to forget why my heart kept demanding that I change direction.
I accepted defeat at the hands of my own wrong perception while my heart burned inside me like acid.
Why haven’t I worn shorts, or relaxed poolside, or been dancing in the past TWENTY YEARS? Why haven’t I stepped up, shown up, spoken up or grown up before now?
I was a coward. Now I’m not.
I drove away from a non-life, made a home for myself, and do whatever work I need to do to strengthen the woman I now admire for her balls and heart.
I don’t need to choose between the two, and I won’t.
I spent this last weekend with a childlike joy after a shitty disappointing week. People I love die, friends let me down and work can sometimes do its part to suck the life out of me.
But I didn’t let it kick my ass.
I gathered with a few who love me and rode a Spiderman scooter (against their express wishes). I played on the playground and basked by the pool in the sun. I ate pizza and drank wine while we pondered world issues and told hilarious stories until 3:30 a.m.
I cooked for my parents and wrote and taught a 7 year old how to rock her new hula hoop because THAT’S how I roll.
That’s who I am.
I don’t need everyone to like me. I don’t want or expect anyone to be me. I don’t need anyone to save me.
I’m happy to have a big enough heart to hurt when I’m not valued or appreciated. I’m not afraid to cry when someone I love doesn’t see me as I am. I’m not ashamed to be angry when someone shits on me in their misery.
I don’t cop to any weakness when I forgive all of these things.
This is who I am. This is how I roll, and if you don’t have room for me it may be a loss to both of us, but at least I’m smart enough to see it and alive enough to feel it.
Not so much.