Tonight I’m not walking in the dark. I don’t feel sad or hurt, thinking to accept what is and let it pass through and fade.
Tonight I am the dark.
I’m sitting with the fortunately small slice of me that is mean. My tolerance for bullshit is as nonexistent as my willingness to accept excuses for poor behavior, including my own.
Tonight I’m giving myself a “come to Jesus” talk, so thanks in advance for understanding that no additional input or advice is needed at this time.
I’m just a little angry right now.
It would be interesting in a traumatic sort of way for all of us to be unable to lie for the next 24 hours. No lies to each other, no lies to ourselves. To be forced to pull our heads out of our asses and deal with reality. To admit when we aren’t loved, or don’t have love to offer someone. To say when we’re hurt or angry, and why we are those things. To quit making excuses for others and let them own the responsibility for their own downfalls.
To take ownership of our own.
I’m tired of myself and the habit I have of putting a pretty face on situations that aren’t pretty…painting a kind face on those who are hurtful to me…making excuses for lack of respect and straight up dick behavior.
I’m fed up with being the coward angry at the cowards for not stepping up with how I/we truly feel at any given moment.
I think about how impossibly simple that would make things with the same stunned astonishment I felt when I drove away from my home for the last time. The absolute comprehension I had that I could have done so at any time.
But I didn’t.
I’m right there again. Infuriated with myself for my lack of willingness to see the truth, to accept it when it flat out announces itself. I don’t want to live in the past, and I certainly don’t need to waste any more of my time with anyone devoted to living in theirs.
That’s not a life. That’s a rerun.
No, thank you.