First you admit and accept that your hard-ass, quick witted deflections and heart of stone behavior is bullshit. Then you become very afraid and cringe away from the god-awful discomfort of looking inside for the reasons why you live a life of bullshit. Then you ask your heart for the truth, and you have to listen when it says, “This is Bullshit”.
Your heart may lead you into scary and unknown territory, but it will not lie to you.
So you listen, and you ponder, and you write it all out. You build on the truths you hear and you let go of the pretending, piece by ragged piece. You quit saying words you don’t mean, you quit going places because you “should” and doing things that make you suffocate.
Your letting go of the parts and pieces that are not true to your heart will hurt you, and those “close” to you.
They will argue and fight with you over these changes. They will tell you you’re crazy, that you’re going through a phase, a snit, a meltdown. They will try to make you feel weak and feeble of heart and mind. They will ask you what is “wrong” when what is right starts surfacing. They will say you need to “rest” when your heart and soul have been sleeping too long. They will tell you not to be foolish, not to do anything rash.
They will say these things while who you are inside raises its head and howls to run.
You’ll be surprised that no one sees the truth that flickers in your eyes. The truth your lungs are breathing in, and out. The truth your heart pounds with when you recognize it. But the truth falling from your lips is what they can’t take.
Because when you change who you show the world, what you send out into it, you change the world around you.
This scares the shit out of almost everyone, because they are comfortable with their lives when you comply and abide by all their rules for happiness. This is why they fight you, just expect, accept and move forward.
Now comes the hard part…you’re going to love someone.
You will be terrified. You will want to armor up, sharpen your wit, and harden your heart…DON’T.
Whether it be friend, lover or both, if it’s love, you will need courage. Because to love someone you must start knowing who they are, and showing who you are in return. Yes, you will. You will need to tell them how you feel honestly about life and about them. It will hurt sometimes.
You will have to answer questions that are painful to hear, and hurt you to answer. You will have to swallow or share excruciating things and sort through them for the gifts that help you become real. You will have to give them the respect of patience as they open up to you.
The only hearts worth holding are those that they pull out of themselves and set at your feet, still bleeding, trusting you to keep them safe. They deserve the same bravery from you, the same fearful offering for the chance of looking into eyes that love who they see, but it takes time.
You have to let the sun rise, the flower bloom, the wind blow and love grow. The most precious gifts are offered not taken.
But what if it doesn’t come, that offering? What if life tackles us and we fail? What if they have to leave us, what if they die? Well then, there you are in agony because you gave yourself honestly and so did they, and now parts of you will always be tangled together and they are gone. So you reach down and pick up your broken open heart that now holds parts of something genuine, put it back inside you and take it with you until the next time you love someone.
Not only did you give each other a love worth having, you’ve exchanged the knowing of what love really is, what it feels like in all its terrifying glory, and now that you’ve seen it, nothing less is acceptable. You may get to hold each other until your last breath, or for a few years, or days, or only a moment, if that.
But what you hold is not bullshit. It’s the most beautiful thing you’ve ever known.
“I love you” is easy. Loving is hard. Please don’t take the easy road, don’t sleep, don’t hide. When you find them, when you are lucky enough to find them…
Pull your scarred and bleeding heart out and offer it in your shaking hands.
Love them…and let them love you in return.