This must be what happens when you start chasing down the Truth of yourself, and begin to know things that you really weren’t looking to know. Once you get the courage to be just a little honest inside, you feel the truth of it, and you have to change that little thing. You just can’t help it. Then you have the terror, and the rush, of not being quite who you were before, and there’s a bunch of external hysteria to deal with while others adjust-or don’t.
When things balance out a little, and you start to backslide, not only do you yank yourself in line, but you look further than you did last time. You see another truth, and you have to change another little thing.
Before long, you’re on a roll, and the general public starts to think you’re a little nuts. Maybe you are a seeker, a searcher, looking and questioning everything, seeing through the pretenses of others because you did the same pretending! Those who know you can become quite aggravated at what they see as a weakness, a flaw, a need to drop the status quo.
This is my current story, and I can say I’m okay with it. It will never be complete, and it will be ever-changing, but it’s my story~and I’m determined it will be an awesome tale for future generations. I want it to be real. I want to be real.
I have learned at this point, that when I treat someone as they “deserve” to be treated, rendering justice, and helping them reap what they sow~I am crippling myself, locking my heart down, and allowing the circumstances to rob me of who I really am at heart. This just came to me as I was driving to temple classes, and I understood that my real desire was to help heal as much as I could for the benefit of both of us, not to mete out punishment according to my injuries, real and imagined.
It’s hard, at first, to see someone’s suffering when you are so busy feeling your own. It’s hard to believe that the injuries you sustain from someone you love are not personally meant, but a symptom of misery and sorrow and lack in themselves. It’s difficult to disassociate enough not to strike back, yet not so much that there is a complete lack of compassion; and resentment begins. Its a fine line, but another soul in pain is surely worth the effort, as is the building of the light in your own soul.
There’s a lot boiling in the heart of each one of us, and it’s the only way to refine the gold we’re made of. It stands to reason that when one of us catches a little light, we should be willing to share the illumination with those around us. Sometimes, those close to us have no desire to see, and that is completely up to the individual.
We each have to live the truth of us, as we uncover it, to be truly joyous in our daily living. We must become addicted to change, and growth, and transformation. If we’re not growing, we’re dying, or stagnating~which is just another slow death.
As annoying as it may be when it occurs, I look forward to what I learn tomorrow. I hope it can be the same for you.