This is a reality check. Take a moment and look at your closest relationships. It doesn’t matter whether it’s looking at your behavior and treatment of others, or theirs towards you, or both. Just take a good, honest look. I’m referring to your long haul relationships, the ones that have existed for long enough that it seems to be okay to dump hard on them on a daily basis.
A relationship of any kind is meant to be a partnership, an exchange of energies that strengthen both, a motivation for growth and prosperity for both parties, not for one at the expense of the other. My favorite example is marriage, although friendships run a close second. In christian vows, the pledge is that two become one, not one become the other, with the weaker party disappearing into the atmosphere.
This particular event requires growing some self-love, and a spine. It really is easier to let the arrogant, selfish, and demanding turn you into a victim. It’s easier than fighting it constantly. It is also a misery, a mistake, and a piss poor excuse for a life. Tell the truth now, it may be easier, but you don’t like it. If you do, that’s a different blog, for another day.
Yeah, yeah, they’ve got so much potential. They were raised that way, if you just do this, or act that way, well the evil spell would be lifted and you would ride away together on the white horse of…total bullshit. Don’t perpetuate, or enable. Don’t paralyze yourself into a silent, closed-hearted, unforgiving and judgmental way of existing.
The truth is, sometimes we try to stay in relationships that should not have become what we allow them to be. That painful marriage would’ve been a great friendship if left alone, or what was meant as a learning growing dating relationship was forced into something more than both parties were capable of maintaining. Sometimes, by forcing what we think our future should look like, we turn a learning experience into the torture chamber from hell. Truth is, some people shouldn’t get married. They are happy living for themselves, taking care of themselves, making decisions for themselves, and don’t have the makeup to perform as a team, or couple. Nothing wrong with that, until they decide to couple up.
God help us. Then you’ve got a really nice person, not capable of putting someone else first, and causing misery and trauma to another. On the other side of that is the love sick nurturer thinking that if they do enough, or give enough, or try hard enough, the solitary one will magically transform into the sharing, giving, person of their dreams. Wrong on both sides.
What we have here is two wonderful people destroying each other by inches. They should not have paired themselves. Bad match, not bad people. Unfortunately we’ve been raised (most of us) that such relationships are forever, and we lock ourselves into the pain of two people never being what the other wishes they were, or needs them to be. So when somebody has to be the bad guy (or gal) both parties lose~because it’s a lie.
Falling in love is just the doorway. At some point in time, all of us make it to the doorway with someone. A true loving relationship means going in, going deeper, mutual courtesy, respect, trust and commitment to working out the kinks as they come up. A lot of people don’t have the courage; the spine, to work through problems so they can be released. Some just don’t care enough about another to do so. Both views of thought are a death knell for a growing relationship of future value.
Sadly we also have so many long term relationships that cause a person to say to themselves, “Woe is me, I’ve been crapped on for years, this is all there is, it’s too late to fix, or start fresh, I’m too old now, I don’t want to be alone, who will take care of me…”. Seriously.
I guess I’m aggravated at all of us. Well, okay, the majority of us, since I do know of people who are matched well, or have made themselves be an excellent match for each other. The point is, life is too short to be less than you are, no matter who you are.
It is not okay to use the force of your personality and desires to obliterate another’s ability to be who they are, and it’s not okay to accept a life you were absolutely not created to live. Hello. We are all different expressions of the same creator. What if there were only one song played over and over every day? One food to eat, one painting to look at, and sigh? What if we all looked the same, did the same job, held the same opinion?
That’s hell, right there. So all of us need to honor and respect the unique expression each of us brings to the table. Not mock, or belittle, or try to erase. Sometimes that means you can build something strong with someone, sometimes it means letting go~so both can bloom.
And that is all I have to say about that.
3 thoughts on “It’s Not Okay”
I am really grateful for this message as it is timely within the context of my marriage. The part that made me sob was “What we have here is two wonderful people destroying each other by inches.” Especially after the observations about long term relationships being allowed to become something they should not have.
I’m left to wonder if it was the circumstances and whether or not repair is possible. It is painful, I won’t lie and I would never make light of it – except to kid myself about the luggage under my eyes. Humor does help. A clear lens through which one can view reality is even better.
Reblogged this on Living Write.