Just A Baby

So, I am fifty years old, and as I thought that just now, I realized I’m just a baby in all ways that matter. I’m just beginning to take my first steps in the areas of truth and open-heartedness. I’m just absorbing the fact that I have created the life I live now, and if I want differently, then I have to make it so. That I was gifted with certain abilities that were given to me to be shared with the world because we are all God’s voice. We are His painters, his writers, his sculptors, his healing hands, his psychologists, his chefs, his mothers of all children, his righters of all wrongs, his songs in the midst of every sorrow, his comforting arms to bring relief to a hurting world. I’m just a baby. I have so much to learn and do and change and watch bloom!

We are each a different expression of God himself. Just as no two poems or stories of mine are the same, neither are we exactly the same expression. But we are from the same heart. We are from the same mind, existing in one world to form a beautiful tapestry that can never be duplicated. If you do not offer your gift up to the world because of some crazy ass belief that it’s not good enough, then you short-change the world-you lessen the beauty of the tapestry of life, you die incomplete and cheat us of your beauty expressed from God and get to begin again another time and place. So you get to give again, but you’ve stolen your gift from us. The one that would have opened that heart, changed that thought pattern, eased the pain in that soul. Dammit, I’m pissed, because what you held back may have changed me!! How can you do that??

We spend entirely too much time pondering and pontificating on what we are not. Such bullshit. We ARE all that. And more. Every one of us. We each have purpose we were born to and gifts we were given, and we have NO STINKING RIGHT to hold those gifts from the world because of some ego-driven crap to make ourselves feel noble and humble, that we are not good enough, no one really wants to hear what we have to say, our offerings mean nothing to anyone…CRAP.

I will guess that most of us suffer from “little heart syndrome” a name I’ve given to those of us who are afraid to shine our light out there in the big, bad world. We minimize our importance, not realizing that we are calling our God gifts small and insignificant. I have a husband who is taking his years of experience to teach our future protectors to be safe as well as keep the public safe. He apologizes for his negative view when that view he has is used to prepare our future police to operate safely for their own benefit and the benefit of the public they protect. One of my best friends wants to stay at home and care for her family, but she can’t so she shines her creativity and light on me and the others who work for her. Another is building a new and gracious life after the loss of her spouse, letting herself bloom on the hard topsoil of that grief and loss. My son thinks he’s an average Joe, nondescript, unassuming, quiet. But he’s an amazing phenomenon of heart and logic and straight thinking. Open-hearted, open-minded, with a soul as big as the Grand Canyon. I have a friend who teaches yoga, and she has NO IDEA that she is a changer of lives, an initiator of tremendous change, a builder of souls, a transformer of lives. Jesus, people, you are such lights! Who you are illuminates the world you inhabit. You are a gift as is, and you all haven’t begun to tap into the wonder of you!

We all hide behind what we think we are perceived as…much lesser than the truth, lesser than our created capacity, lesser than the Universe created us to be. Shine, shine, shine people!! And in honor of your courage, I will also shine my light for all to see!

The Dignity of Every Human Life

I stopped in to get some coffee and a few other really important things at the local quickie mart today, and walked into the tail end of a situation that perplexed me. The cashier was in a quiet conversation with a man at the counter, and from their demeanor it seemed to be of some consequence. I checked my lotto tickets, and to my great surprise I hadn’t won a damn thing so I moved on to the coffee, which was a sure thing, and indeed much more important.

The quiet conversation ended and the man stepped outside where an older man in worn camo and a scruffy kind of beard approached him; they talked for less than a minute and went on their separate ways. I watched the bearded guy as he walked past the windows and I asked the cashier what was wrong with him. She said quite firmly that nothing was wrong with HIM, but the quiet guy had a problem deciding whether or not to part with fifty cents for a bag of peanuts for the other guy, who was obviously down on his luck and was hungry. I thanked her and stepped outside feeling really sad about it, and as I got to my car I start looking around to see if I could still see him. Nope, nowhere in sight.

I hopped in my car because I all of a sudden couldn’t bear not to give him some cash from the ATM I’d just stuck in my wallet,  just so I could maybe erase the feeling he must’ve gotten from that encounter. I drove between the quick mart, the restaurants, and the motels, trying to see where he’d tucked himself but he was nowhere.

I even checked out the intersections where some people will stand to try to get help, but no sign of him there either. Sad, sad, sad. It made me glad I’d given my last dollar bill the day before to the old guy at the intersection. I almost didn’t because I was embarrassed that I only had one dollar on me! How weird is that?? But I did catch that ignorant thought and rolled down my window and apologized for only having that to give at the moment. He was so grateful, and I was glad I’d overcome my ego thinking and gave him what I had at least.

I recall two stories in my life in this area that truly struck me as amazing and made me long for the better world we all should be working towards. One was in the bible, when “All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, the gave to anyone as he had need. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts”. The other was from the book The Host where the “souls” that had taken over the human bodies simply did their daily business together and charged nothing, it was a worldwide exchange system I guess where everyone did what we do in our daily work, but charged nothing because they could also get what they needed where ever they went. One huge network of giving and receiving. Wow. It blows my mind!

So I guess, since I don’t live in that world right now, I just want to do whatever I can to lessen the impact on the dignity of the individual going through hard times. If I have something to share I will, with a glad and sincere heart. I know what it’s like to be without. To not have enough money to not go hungry that day, to not have a car and have to walk to work, to thank God for the people in my life at that time who loved on me and left me with dignity because they didn’t make it “charity” and I didn’t have to accept it as such. But I was so grateful, and to see someone’s actions or attitudes diminish someone’s spirit for even a second just hurts my heart. I pray I will never do that to another. I pray my heart will always be open to give…even if it’s the last dollar bill left in my purse. We must take care of the parts of us that are out there broken and alone. Just the ones in front of us. If each of us help the one in front of us won’t we then cure the world of this? We can at least try.

The Truth

I think that I might be an angel in disguise

A quick-change artist mingling with the unaware

So convincing, even I don’t recognize

The truth beneath the many scars I bear.

I’ve worn them proudly, thinking I’ve survived it all

Reality is “victim” stamped upon my brow;

Sometimes they can look the same, too close to call,

But I know, and the truth is what I offer now.

I think I might be strong beneath the weak facade,

In truth I could be other than I am

If I had chosen other than the path I trod,

If I had chosen once to give a damn.

I think I might be beautiful beneath the wreck

That I have built so carelessly around my soul.

My choices, hanging heavy now around my neck

Will be the catalysts that make me whole.

I think I am a woman of integrity,

Although it took the longest road to get me here.

I am not the coward that I used to be~

The most courageous hearts are born from fear.


Small Things With Great Love

My 24-year-old baby son stayed with us last night, and I found myself naturally doing all sorts of things that filled my heart and made me smile. We spent a lot of time talking about many things, some important, some not so much, we shared pizza for supper, and I smiled as he and his dad talked of important manly matters (lol). I played with my grand puppy Elli and I went to bed happy in the knowledge that I’d see him at his grandparent’s house the next day when I followed them out to the property where they were going to hunt together.

The next morning they were already gone, and I was in the small laundry room doing his laundry~smiling as I folded laundry for him and my soon to be dotter in law, and I realized something very important. So much so that I stopped for a moment to latch onto the thought before it got away from me. I had spent the past day doing chores that I normally would resent a little, maybe mutter under my breath (okay, or louder than that) and tell myself that someone else should be pulling some weight, by God, I’m not a servant am I? But because it was for my baby boi it was a pleasure to me, a joy even, because I was doing it out of a great love.

So what would it look like if everything I did, no matter how small, was out of great love?  What if I turned my house work into heart work? What if I was present for every tiny thing I did, for myself and everyone else, so that I could CHOOSE to do each thing from a heart of great love? Yes, yes, I know there are  quotes about this since the beginning of time, but you know as well as I do that we can learn a million things, but if we don’t absorb, practice, and apply them then the learning is wasted.

The point is, I felt this lesson. I see clearly that I must slow down enough to do this great love in action, I must quit flinging myself through my “duties” in a mindless, tedious thought pattern. Not only will the work I do in love bless MY heart and life, it will bless the recipients of my efforts.

Not so long ago, I was eating lunch I’d purchased from the deli of my favorite health food/organic coop Bloomingfoods, and as I read the ingredients in my tempeh rooster salad I was dumbfounded by the last ingredient listed. Love. I swear that’s what it said! And I thought to myself “Self, you should eat this everyday, because someone back there cared to send love with this lunch!”. Pretty amazing huh? My favorite scent to wear, GIVE scent also states it’s made with love (and yes I believe her) and I am totally loyal to that product also (plus it smells amazing lol).

My mission, and I choose to accept it, is to slow down just enough to experience my moments no matter what I’m doing in them, and do each thing with great love. Now maybe I won’t ever be able to do it with the exact love of this momma for her only begotten son, but I will give it all I’ve got Captain!! And I am willing to bet that everyone in my world will notice the difference! Any takers?

Happy Thanksgiving!!  ❤

My Life is Like a Country Song

When life seems to really suck, in a really super turbo vacuum way, I really always know I’m a lucky girl. I know it will all work out somehow; I have an awesome husband and son, and family and friends near and far. I have my health(as far as I know lol) and a cute place to live even though it’s rented, and by God two of the best dogs a girl could ask for. I really am walking in tall cotton compared to what I’m seeing on the news! I’ve got a good job with people I like, and plans for a brighter future going on.

This is the 2nd official day of my vacation, and I’m hanging at the house because my ancient jeep has a slow leak from a tiny crack in the manifold, and it needs electrical work if I’d prefer to have low beam lights at night. I came home Saturday with groceries and my fridge had died, and the two front burners on my stove only work on high due to faulty switches we had to order. With the deepest of gratitude that we had an old decrepit fridge out in the garage to hold all the beer I’m getting ready to drink in my sorrows, I raised the garage door to make grocery transfer easier and then it wouldn’t shut. IT WOULDN’T SHUT. Yes, I laughed and laughed, slapped my knee a couple of times and went over and fiddled with things I know absolutely nothing about and finally it came down. Lol. Oh my gosh what a hoot!

Normally, when I start to get upset about circumstances, I snap myself out of it by exaggerating everything so much that it’s ridiculous, and then I have to laugh, and all is better. Since I have not even begun to exaggerate yet, I will instead write an appropriate country song that I’m sure someone will buy the rights to, and I’ll be set for life.

But I digress…

I may not be the King Of The Road

in my poor old Jeep cracking up at the seams

chugging bravely down the road;

The Boulevard Of Broken Dreams.

I always laugh it off when life gets

way too out of hand

But I’ve Enjoyed As Much Of This

As I Can Stand.

So what if I’m Busted, Brother, Can You Spare A Dime?

I’d find A Hole To Hide In

But I’ve fallen on Hard Times.

There’s a Tear In My Beer,

Hard Times Come Again No More.

Another Day In Paradise

Is what I’m looking for.

They tell me It’s The Hard Knock Life

on down the Broken Road,

But my Old Violin is whining

Circuit Overload.

So sing me, if you can, another

Whiskey Lullaby,

Cause I’m Not Going To Let It

Bother Me Tonight.


P.S. If anyone needs my special cry baby country song writing skills, just message me =)

Who are We?

Who do we want to say we are~yet who do we seem to be?

We say we’re so compassionate~then we ridicule endlessly.

It’s “good” to be kind to animals we slaughter and so abuse,

Loving thy neighbor is all the rage as long as we pick and chose.

Live and let live is how we live, unless we do not agree,

And then we force it down their throats if they are too blind to see.

Turning the other cheek is great~as long as it’s not our own

We’re willing to stand for what is right, unless we must stand alone.

I would like to propose a thought that just has occurred to me

What if we really were the truth of who we profess to be?

Couldn’t we lay our masks aside, and put down our words of rage,

Looking each other in the eyes, and be willing to engage?

What if we opened hearts and minds; were willing to get to know

the flaws in another heart, and then be willing to let ours show?

Could we then better work to make a truly evolving life;

One where compassion and empathy would overcome every strife?

Does anyone have the answer yet~of who do you want to be?

I want to be everything I can, so let it begin with me.



Seeking Truth

We are  the Truth that we all seek

hidden behind the lives we share;

the struggles we have are each complete

life lessons to bring our truths to bear.

We are the Life that we all seek

disguised beneath the tedious toil;

the clocks we punch, the time we keep

and yet we dance on sacred soil.

We’re the Compassion we all seek

soft beneath the callous heart;

everything we deem as weak

is the injured place to start.

We’re the Forgiveness we all seek

woven through our judging minds;

knowing we are incomplete

in isolation, and acts unkind.

We are the Magic we all seek

distracted by our “worthy” goals;

knowing with each painful breath

we suffocate our very souls.

We are the Light that we all seek

dark with efforts made in vain;

caught by knowing only we

have the power to ease  our pain.

We are the Love that we all seek

growing gently in our hearts;

may all the powers that ever be

help us heal our broken parts.

We’re the Eternity  we seek

immortals from before our birth;

 Light of all Life, let light shine free

to show each soul it’s priceless worth.