Once upon a time, not too long ago, I would have missed talking to the moon as she showed herself in short little passes behind the cloud covered night sky. I wouldn’t have thought to look up to her and smile as I asked my questions. I wouldn’t have heard the whispers from the small tree to my left, or whispered back in response.
Not too long ago, I wouldn’t have noticed that as I sat on my front stoop in the middle of the night, that the rain that began to fall was the universe crying for me, because I was unable to cry for myself over an ancient hurt. I wouldn’t have recognized the genuine desire to comfort me in the cuddle of my puppies pressing close, or appreciated the prayers and meditation that brought out flaws in me buried so deeply that I was unable to feel anything about them, much less sorrow.
Before, I was unwilling to see that the energy in constant movement in the perpetuation of my existence was the same energy creating the moon, the tree, the puppies, the rain, my aging jeep, the people I am here with now. I would not have been able to name the invisible abuse I heaped on all~neglect. Apathetic negligence? Total disregard for the real and now in the name of hurry up and do~so I don’t have to think.
Although it is not at all pleasant, to be sure, I am relieved beyond measure to see that my flaws (and they are strong, and plentiful) are gifts to grow my conscience. When I think, say, or do something that horrifies me inside~I can accept that thought word or deed as a learned part of me that is to teach me something and I can be different. But I have to be aware of what I’m doing for this to be true. Which means I have to stop running through the days ignoring it all, or the other extreme of dwelling and busting myself up for it.
It is a foreign concept to me; expressing gratitude for my flaws because of what they teach me about myself~seeing them as a true gift for developing a soul, instead of silently asking myself every day “was I actually born this awful inside, or did I make myself this way?”. I think I understand now that I’m here on purpose with specific things that need to be strengthened in me and I have been skipping school for years in fear of the lessons.
So the internal flaws I have that I thought made me a monster, are the things that will keep me from becoming one. For that I am eternally grateful, as well as the critical knowledge that my very weaknesses are my greatest tools for growth. Wow, talk about changing everything! Who knew I’d ever have to thank God for the worst of me?