I have struggled for a little over a week now with the concept vs. reality of a peaceful heart and mind. I found myself in front of my refrigerator today staring at a magnet I OBVIOUSLY put there myself; and it tells me quite clearly that peace does NOT mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work, it means to be in the midst of these things and still be calm in your heart.
I may not have actually read this magnet before putting it on my fridge door. I may have seen the word peace and desperately grasped it for what it represented in my mind and put it on the door as an announcement of some sort. Maybe I thought to use it as a “keep of the grass” sign. You know, “I intend to be at peace at all times so don’t piss with me okay?”, that kind of thing. Anyway, all has gone so well and I felt that I had achieved a few things that really moved me forward, and then a week ago…life became very irritating. Everything felt hostile; work, home, my own thoughts. My inner dialogue was controlled by my evil twin sister, who loves to blow everything out of proportion, prefers to stomp those first who would stomp on her, and assumes she is the only one who ever does anything and is a victim of circumstance. Blah, blah blah, she can be such a dork. On the good side, she is so ridiculous that her thoughts are a wonderful indicator of where I need work. A LOT of work. So today, in front of the fridge, reading a magnet (obviously for the first time) I see that I have not truly been at peace these past months, I have been hiding behind the concept of it.
The truth is, I really want it. The peace of mind. The peace of heart. The ability to be calm, and loving and hopeful in the face of anything. When somebody is yelling at me, or misrepresenting me, or trying to use or abuse me in some way, or I don’t achieve or get what I want, or life just seems momentarily to suck~ I want to have that balance of love and hope and peace that makes every day worth getting out of bed for.
I want the real thing. The complete loss of peaceful mind that I experienced this past week made me see I didn’t really have it at all! So I took steps to change that today. mindful breathing and prayer and meditation on a daily basis. Wearing the t-shirt doesn’t make it so. I had to go into the mad and disappointment and sit with it awhile. Feel it and hear where it came from. I had to see where I had tricked myself and be honest enough to admit that I had been hiding behind a mask of peace (all the time fighting giving everyone a piece of my mind) when I could have been doing the work needed to actually be peace. I want to be a refuge to myself and others. For real.
I know I’m not the only one searching, struggling and hiding behind…so reach out, I’m here, Namaste ❤